Emergency Operator Fired…..Why???

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed the call center from a mobile phone stating: “I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah.”

Apparently, “Remain calm and stay on the line,” was not considered to be an appropriate response.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Irish Wedding 

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled… 
”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” 
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX 

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore… 
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong 

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my damn bike.

Drive By 

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

SCAM 

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought the Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. 
Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute 

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?” She said, “For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

This first story serves two purposes – one how much we owe those that protect our freedom and two the issue of people encroaching on airports, air bases and other necessary installations and then complaining because the entity is there. The second story shows the respect our forces command when we let them do their job.

Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were…  A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back.  Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall.

When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.

The complaint: ‘Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for the morning air show?  Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 A.M, a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet.  Imagine our good fortune!  Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyn’s early bird special?

Any response would be appreciated.

The response: Regarding ‘A wake-up call from Luke’s jets’ On June 15, at precisely 9:12  a.m. , a  perfectly timed four- ship fly by of F-1 6s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques.  Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.

At 9 a. m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend.  Based on the letter writer’s recount of the fly by, and because of the jet noise, I’m sure you didn’t hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son’s flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.. 

A four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air Force gives to those who give their lives in defense of freedom.  We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.

The letter writer asks, ‘Whom do we thank for the morning air show’?  The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it  was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their  lives.

Only 2 defining forces have ever offered to die for you….Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.  One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Lt. Col. Grant L. Rosensteel, Jr.

Love it! This has got to be one of the greatest quotes of all time. I thought this might make you smile. 🙂

…conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Site: ‘Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.’

Air Defense Site: ‘You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!’

Aircraft: ‘This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter.  Send ’em up, I’ll wait!’

Air Defense Site: (…. total silence)

God bless our troops.  There is something about a Marine that makes other countries listen to reason.

This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl…

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and ‘Rinse’.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people.  I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands.  If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone.  That’s common sense leaving your body.

I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn’t make it to the gym again today.  That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John. I renamed it Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one – what’s your plan?

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!'”

The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?”

The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”

The golfer looks at the man and says, “I understand”

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, “What is that for?” The golfer replies, “I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls.”

“Honey it’s me. I don’t want to alarm you but a car hit me as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.”

Wife’s Response: “Who is Paula?”

SMART ASS

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

NOW …………

Enough of that crap. .. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. You have two choices…smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,  “Re-calc-u-lating.”  You would think that shecould be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.  Well, it was not a good relationship…

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.  We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them.  When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?”  I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.  I was recently asked if I tweet.  I answered, “No, but I do fart a lot.”

We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.