Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER…Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored Cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)… In other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

OH you didn’t smile – well how about this one:

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” “No Ma’am, I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.”

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is 3:00 AM in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”  he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3 AM in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk..

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed,and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.St. Peter said, ‘Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.’

Forrest responds, ‘It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.’ St. Peter continued, ‘Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First – What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second – How many seconds are there in a year?

Third – What is God’s first name?’

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, ‘Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,tell me your answers.’

Forrest replied, ‘Well, the first one — which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.’The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, ‘Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?’ asked St. Peter.

‘How many seconds in a year?”Now that one is harder,’ replied Forrest, ‘but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.’Astounded, St. Peter said, ‘Twelve?  Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?’ Forrest replied, ‘Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2^”
’Hold it,’ interrupts St.Peter.  ‘I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.  Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God’s first name’?
’Sure,’ Forrest replied, ‘it’s Andy.”Andy?’ exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.  ‘Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?’ 
’Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,’ Forrest replied.’  I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,and said: ‘Run, Forrest, run.’

Lord, Give me a sense of humor, Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks !

Maybe its time to shed the hypocrisy about major college sports. Since the Northwestern Court decision there has been a lot of publicity surrounding all of the money involved, particularly about football and men’s basketball. Much ado about multi-million-dollar coach’s salaries and how many times that is more than the university’s president. Lets look at an example of the excesses. In pro sports they call it license fees – an amount a fan has to pay to be allowed to buy their tickets. In major college sports – here again principally football and men’s basketball – they are more civilized and the fees are called minimum contributions to the athletic scholarship fund. Maybe it is not more civilized just called something different. But the end result is the same; if you want those tickets pony up the Benjamin’s.

So who is responsible for these excesses? Is it the coaches, the college administration? Of course they have something to do with it and agreed that major college revenue sports are a business. Further, they like any other business have to satisfy their customers. So if you want to know who is in large part responsible find the nearest mirror and ask the person you see. Yeah it’s us! Even if we do not pay the ticket price or make the minimum contribution to the athletic scholarship fund we watch the games on TV. And those advertisers would not pay the substantial amounts for advertising spots if they were not receiving a return – which they see when we purchase their product or service. Any idea how much a 30 second spot on tonights college men’s basketball championship costs? Try $1.26 million. Only a 30 second spot during the Super Bowl costs more than a 30 second spot during the men’s NCAA basketball championship.

The issue as to whether or not college athletes should be allowed to organize and be represented is a corollary to the old argument that says these athletes should be paid given the huge revenues that are generated by the games they play. Further, in many instances the only reason the young men are in college is to play and hopefully find a professional sports career and not to obtain a degree. What makes this whole thing a little amusing is that Northwestern graduates 97% of their football players vs. less than 50% at many other schools. Kind of interesting that the current uproar started at Northwestern.

Maybe it is the curmudgeon in me coming out again but lets quit lamenting the state of major college sports. If you really object to what is happening don’t buy tickets or support them by watching the games on TV. Otherwise, just sit back and enjoy.

Commandment 1 – Marriages are made in heaven.  But then again, so is thunder and
lightning.

Commandment 2 – If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to
 every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 – Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least a 100
 grand!

Commandment 4 – Married life is very frustrating.
 In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
 listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
 In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
 listen.

Commandment 5 – When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
 be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife
 is.

Commandment 6 – Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
 The trouble starts when they try to decide which
 one.

Commandment 7 – Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
 about something you said. After marriage, he will
 fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8 – Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
 economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one
 wife.

Commandment 9 – Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
 That is why one treats the other like toxic
 waste.

Commandment 10 – A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is
 finished.

 BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY 

A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. 
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a
 penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned
 over too much fell into the well and
drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, ‘It
 really works!’

Senior Men’s Bar

Good News/Bad News

A 73 year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “Ernie, everything looks great. How are you doingmentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Bob replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, sohe’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to thebathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ernie’s wife. “Bonnie,” hesays, “Ernie is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in aweof his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during thenight, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’sdone, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh shit”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end

• When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.
• Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A bicycle can’t stand-alone; it is two tired.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
• When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

And the cream of the wretched crop.

• Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“ Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.”

And…………………………………..