• I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
• When chemists die….They barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.
• How does Moses make his tea ?…..Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..But I never met herbivore.
• I’m reading a book about inti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
• Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
• Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
• Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
• I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
• How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?…A thesaurus.
• When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
• Broken pencils are pointless.

A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Sue, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”

The rancher leaves for the field, and after a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.

Sue takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.”

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me lady, because I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple”, she confidently explains, “by the nail that’s over its stall.”

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?”

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

“Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

“SHIT” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ‘ Center.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . … AMEN

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘so, what was wrong?

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Georgie grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

PS: I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

If you’re not a Senior yet, then send this to someone who is.

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. – John Adams

2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. – Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. – Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. – Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. – G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. – James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. – Douglas Case, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University .

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. – Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. – Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. – Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! – P. J. O’Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. – Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! – Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. – Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. – Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. – Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. – Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. – Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. – Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class, save Congress. – Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians – Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. – Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. – Aesop

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!


Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450 degrees F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration, which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

“So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

“The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The old cowboy replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the cowboy.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The old cowboy calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

1. THINGY  (thing-ee)  n.

Female – Any part under a car’s hood. – Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2.  VULNERABLE  (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. – Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION  (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .

Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. – Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-  mit-ment) n.

Female – A desire to get married and raise a family. – Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT   (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female – A good movie, concert, play or book. – Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE  (flach-u-lens) n.

Female – An   embarrassing by – product of indigestion. – Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE   (may-king luv) n.

Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. – Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL  (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another. – Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said – I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. – She said – You wear pants don’t you?

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight? – She said – That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? – She said – Turn  sideways and look in  the mirror!

He said – Why are married women heavier than single women? – She said – Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.