Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

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One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted….. “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said…”Where?”

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’… (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut in to 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time Then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

They Walk Among Us!

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Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!

You can’t fix stupid.

I suspect that some wonder why all the animus and disdain many automobile drivers harbor for bicycle riders. Previously I have written posts on this subject and today witnessed more fuel for the fire. Driving on a relative narrow two-lane road, with bicycle paths on both sides, we approached two bicycle riders. This should not have been a problem except that one of the riders was hugging the dividing line between the bicycle path and the driving lane. To provide the required distance cars are to allow we had to move into the oncoming lane. Thankfully there was no opposing traffic but I think the point is that the bicycle riders should share the responsibility when it comes to maintaining the prescribed separation. Am I wrong?

Fast forward fifteen or twenty minutes. At a busy semaphore controlled intersection, those from the area know it well – Palisades and Shea, with not one but two “No Turn On Red” signs; two bicycle riders approached the intersection and blazed through the red light without even slowing down! Remember two “No Turn On Red” signs. Any question who would be found at fault in the event of an accident?

Were these isolated instances it would be one thing but unfortunately incidents like the above are daily occurrences. Some, and I realize not all, bicycle riders demand all of the rights of the road, and the right-of-way, but abjectly refuse to obey the law. When was the last time you saw law enforcement pull over a bicyclist? Given that I suspect the miscreants have a feeling of immunity.

So, what’s the answer? I suspect that it has to come either from within the bicycling community or, in the alternative, from law enforcement enforcing the laws in the same way they do with automobile drivers. Unfortunately, or maybe it’s fortunately, I am not going to hold my breath.

This is a repost of one that I posted in March 2010 and again in May 2012 but is one I think should be redone periodically partly because of it’s relevance today and on a personal note because Jefferson is one of my favorite presidents.  An interesting postscript is that both Jefferson and John Adams died on July 4, 1826.

“It has been said the greatest volume of sheer brainpower in one place occurred when Jefferson dined alone...” John Kennedy

HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW??????

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.
Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered..’

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. 

The conversation went like this: 

”Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones how might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann ‘s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment……

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.  “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay.  Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand – with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?”  Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

I keep telling you!  Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Put another way – “Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!”

The longer you’ve been married, the funnier this becomes!

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!”

Thoughtful Scottish Husband

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Heather – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’  She replied, ‘Awe Jock that’s nice – are you taking me tae the pub with you? ‘Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.’

 I have questions…

• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

• Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

• The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

About Growing Older…

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.
4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
6. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Rule Changes for Seniors Golfers Beginning January 1 2014

Rule 1.a.5
 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass, which ground keepers, failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B)
 A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3 (G) 
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h)
 If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5
 Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)
 There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7..G.15 (z)
 There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.  Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers’ shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9 (S) 
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.