George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”
 He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
 George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 (True Story)

LOT’S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “And she turned into a telephone pole!”

________________________________

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

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DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

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HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”

One child blurted out, “Aces!”

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MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

________________________________

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

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UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

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BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

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UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”

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TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

“Yes, sir.” the boy replied.

“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.

“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime”

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ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.”

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

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SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do.” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”

Sven, a small town Minnesota furniture retailer, decided to expand his line of furniture in his store, so he traveled to Paris to check wholesale furniture.  He visited manufacturers; made his selections of what he knew would sell back home. With time on his hands he relaxed at a small bistro with a glass of red wine.

Enjoying the Paris ambiance and people-watching he realized his table for two had the only empty chair in the entire bistro. Sure enough a beautiful solo Parisian woman came to his table and asked him something in French, a language he was totally inept with, so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to join him. 
He tried to speak to her in English, but that was useless, as she spoke no English. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine   glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left   the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.  They danced until the cafe was about to close and the band was packing up.  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  To this day, Sven has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

It kind of crept up on me – how comfortable I have become with having only my iPad as a computing device when away from my office. It’s not like I don’t have options – there is a perfectly capable, one might say even more than perfectly capable – MacBook Air on my desk. This comfort was crystalized over the last couple of days. My wife had a number of appointments across the full morning and into early afternoon yesterday and wanted me along. The appointments started shortly after 7:00 a.m. and as I write this we are waiting for the last one – its 2:00 p.m. There were gaps and my presence was only required at the last one. Also I had two meetings scheduled in the morning, one using Fuze. For those not familiar with Fuze it is an online meeting facility that allows among other things screen sharing. Beside the two meetings I handled all of my email correspondence, retrieved an item from my Dropbox account and forwarded it on, drafted two recommendations and sent them on and am now drafting this blog post. By the way, I am drafting this post in BlogPad Pro which I recently acquired. The app seems quite capable and certainly has more features than vanilla WordPress. Enough for now but I will post a more complete assessment of the app once have more experience.

I suppose that one can find many reasons for this increasing comfort. The light weight is certainly a factor. Even with my Belkin keyboard case the iPad weighs much less than the MacBook Air. By the way, I doubt seriously that this transition would have occurred without the Belkin which unlike many iPad keyboard cases is designed such that you can use it on your lap – three strategically placed magnets hold the iPad in place and allow for three different viewing angles. Another might just be how much simpler some routine things are on the iPad, and on the iPhone for that matter. Take for instance sending a document via email. Rather than opening your email program, entering the address and hopefully remembering to include the attachment – we all forgot that more than once – in iOS one simply brings up the document, hits mail, enter the recipients address and send. Easier, quicker and you cannot forget the attachment – after all you started with it!

Are there things I cannot do on the iPad? Of course, but most of those are not an issue when away from the office. An example might be with banking. While I can follow my accounts using Quicken on the iPad I cannot write checks – an example of something I would not due when away from the office so not a negative. Another item, and one I struggle with trying to find a solution, is sending emails to my larger mailing lists. On the MacBook Air, I run Windows under Parallels, I use a neat add-in for MS Outlook called Send Indivually that does just that – sends one email at a time every 5 seconds or so – which avoids the issues with some ISP’s. So if anybody has discovered a similar solution for either the Mac or iPad please let me know.

All of us are familiar with how well the iPad works for consuming content but what has become increasingly clear to me is how capable the iPad is for regular computing tasks.

‘TWO COWS’

[“I want to work for the Italian Corporation..”]

SOCIALISM – You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor

COMMUNISM – You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM – You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM – You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM – You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM – You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM – You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION – You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead

A GREEK CORPORATION – You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION – You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION – You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION – You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION – You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION – You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION – You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION – You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION – Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION – You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION – You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive…

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances…

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

Directions

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  “You’re bullshitting me, right?   You don’t even know the way to the Post Office”

1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???* AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:* Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???* An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY!!!* A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT???* Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???*  A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’.  ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!* In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!* Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22-foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver; no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

• I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, “May I have large bills, please?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
• When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Chevy dealership in Canton, MS.
• We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
• My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
• My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.– From Kansas City
• I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
• The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
• At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
• I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE.

Genuine Council Complaints – Extracts from letters sent to various Councils and Housing Associations throughout the U.K.

• It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
• My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
• The next-door neighbor has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
• I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
• My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina. The South Carolina Wage &
 Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help 
and sent an agent out to interview him. 
”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded 
the Agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for
 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. 
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus 
free room and board. There’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours 
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
 He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
 of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer.