It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “

To be 8 again! 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know
what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen
nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing!

Laughter is the BEST MEDICINE!

Please pass this along and make someone smile today!

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday….

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, we’re outta here!

Wife’s Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing..’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster……

Husband’s Diary:

A 9 inch putt……….who the hell misses a 9 inch putt?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE:

MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50 YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?’

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ‘, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT  SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED…..’WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

By today’s standards, none of us  were supposed to ever make it past High School. 
HIGH SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2013 

Scenario 1:    
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1957 –  Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 
2013 –  School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.  Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:      
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.   
1957 –  Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.   
2013 –  Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark.  They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it .

Scenario 3:      
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.   
1957 –  Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal.  He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.                  
2013 –  Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.  He becomes a zombie.  He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:      
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 –  Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.   
2013 –  Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused (spanked) herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:      
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.   
1957 –  Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock .   
2013 –  The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations.  His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:      
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.      
1957 –  Ants die.   
2013  –  ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.  Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.  The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated.  Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 7:      
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.   He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.  Mary hugs him to comfort him.      
1957  –   In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.                  
2013-  Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.  She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.    

This should hit every e-mail inbox to show how stupid we have become!

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives women a present of $5,000 and watches to 
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because 
she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. 

Men are like that, you know.

And on another 
note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I expect that some will agree with the assessment in this post and others will disagree. Further I suspect those that disagree will be more adamant and maybe angry. So here we go. Every time I watch the Olympics I am struck by how far some of the events have strayed from the original concept of amateur sport competitions.

Let’s take this in two parts. To me it is a sport if either the scores determine the outcome in the event or by the amount of time each participant took to complete the event. However an increasing number of Olympic events are now judged subjectively. Any time subjectivity is used bias, personal feelings, animosities and even sometimes coercion and side agreements become not only possible but as history has shown a real outcome. Coercion and side agreements aside, the other factors are a part of the human condition and there is nothing that can be done to eliminate them as factors. I once witnessed this in a totally different setting – not the Olympics – where the outcome was not determined by the merits but because the judge had a bias against a lifestyle. We were sitting next to another judge and she properly picked the winner, and more importantly why the obvious best participant would not win. I will not identify the activity as to not run the risk of damaging the person that provided the insight.

It also amazes me how far afield the definition of an Olympic sport has gone. Now, don’t get me wrong the participants in these activities, and they are activities, are very talented and work very hard at there particular choice, but I question why they are Olympic sports? The classic example may be Ice Dancing – let’s face it they even call it dancing! The last time I recall dancing being a sport was when young men danced – not because they liked it – but because they had ulterior motives.

Now for the second part – what ever happened to the amateurs? Let’s face it most of the participants in the Olympics, particularly in the high profile events, earn a living, and in most cases a very good living, doing exactly what they showcase at the Olympics. Who doesn’t remember fondly the 1980 USA hockey team’s “Miracle On Ice”? I have nothing against professionals but wouldn’t it be fun to see those just below the professional level hone their skills and acquire the necessary grit to allow them to make the step to the next level?

So maybe this is just the curmudgeon in me coming out but it is what it is!