The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.Here are the winners.1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

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In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

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In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…

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In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

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In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

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Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

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Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…

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Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

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Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

 ***************************************************************************************Notice in a farmer’s field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

***************************************************************************************Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

***************************************************************************************On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya’ think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya’ think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is…

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

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You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you’re going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

 

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play. – Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.” – Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.” – Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'” – Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.” – Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having them.” – Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.” – E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it twas Mrs. Koufax’s.” – Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surger

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.” – Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.” – Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

“When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.” – Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.” – Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.” – Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach

“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.” – Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

“I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.'” – Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.” – Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.” – George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.” – Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says ” Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Michigan and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Or…….

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

Or…….

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan …
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.  You’ve worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Or…….

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen  recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter,  and road repair.
6. 6. The highest level of criticism is  “He is different, she is different or It was different!

Or…….

You can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everywhere is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonde”..

Or…….

You can retire to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the daycare center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Or…….

You can retire to the Nebraska where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at.

FINALLY,  or you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.


With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! 
I don’t even know who you are!’  


The Texan smiled and drawled, 
”Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped 
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Two Story Outhouse.

I can’t even think of anything to add to this… Words fail me!

Yep!!! This  pretty much says it all.