While I sat in the
 reception area of my doctor’s office, a
 woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. 
As she went to the
 receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and
 silent. Just as I was
 thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy
 slipped off his 
mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the
 man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom
 makes me ride in the 
stroller too.”

*****

As
 I was nursing my 
baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came
 into the room. Never 
having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued
 and full of all
 kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling
 over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t
 think she knows how to 
use them.”

*****

Out bicycling one
 day
 with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
 little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want
 to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming
 with me like you do
 now.
Carolyn shrugged.
“In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those
 things anyway.”

*****

Working as a
 pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
 immunization shots to
children. One day, I entered the examining room to give
 four-year-old Lizzie
her injection.
“No, no,
   no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her 
mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”
 With that, the girl
 yelled 
even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

*****

On
 the way back from a
 Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
 “Dad, I know 
babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get
 there in the first
 place?”

After my son hemmed
 and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 
 “You don’t 
have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you
 don’t know the
 answer.”

*****

Just before I was
 deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and
 broke the news to
him. “I’m going to be away for a long
 time,” I told him. 
“I’m going to Iraq.”

“Why?”
he
asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going
 on over there?”

*****

Paul Newman founded
 the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
 children stricken with 
cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and
 his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A
 counselor at a nearby 
table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know
 Newman was a famous
 movie star, explained, “That’s the man who
 made this camp 
possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad
 dressing
bottle?” Blank stares. 
“Well,
 you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade
 carton.”
An
 eight-year-old girl
   perked up. “How long was he missing?”

*****

And my personal
 favorite…

God’s Problem 
Now! 

His wife’s
 grave side
 service was just barely finished, when there was a massive
 clap of thunder, 
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
 even more thunder 
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at
 the pastor and calmly
 said, “Well, she’s there.”

*****

Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in
 your heart! 

A smile – is a sign of joy. A hug – is a sign of love.

 A laugh – is a sign of happiness.

 And a friend like me? – Well that’s just a sign of
 good taste! 

We’ll be friends until I am senile.

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘how do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape.  I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

“‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it.  How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive.  How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.  ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive.  He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that.  How about your Father’s Father?  How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Nono’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living!  Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,  ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married?  Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?

‘Who said he wanted to?’

While I sat in the
 reception area of my doctor’s office, a
 woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. 
As she went to the
 receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and
 silent. Just as I was
 thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy
 slipped off his
 mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
 Placing his hand on the
 man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom
 makes me ride in the 
stroller too.”

*****

As
 I was nursing my 
baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came
 into the room. Never 
having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued
 and full of all 
kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling
 over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t
 think she knows how to 
use them.”

*****

Out bicycling one
 day
 with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a
 little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want
 to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming
 with me like you do 
now.
Carolyn shrugged.
“In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those
 things anyway.”

*****

Working as a
 pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving
 immunization shots to
children. One day, I entered the examining room to give
 four-year-old Lizzie
 her injection.
“No, no,
   no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her 
mother, “that’s not polite behavior.”
 With that, the girl
 yelled 
even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

*****

On
 the way back from a
 Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son,
 “Dad, I know
 babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get
 there in the first
 place?”

After my son hemmed
 and hawed a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 
 “You don’t 
have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you
 don’t know the
 answer.”

*****

Just before I was
 deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and
 broke the news to
him. “I’m going to be away for a long
 time,” I told him. 
“I’m going to Iraq.”

“Why?”
he
 asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going
 on over there?”

*****

Paul Newman founded 
the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for
 children stricken with
 cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and
 his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A
 counselor at a nearby 
table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know
 Newman was a famous
 movie star, explained, “That’s the man who
 made this camp
 possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad
 dressing
 bottle?” Blank stares. 
“Well,
  you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade
 carton.”
An
 eight-year-old girl
   perked up. “How long was he missing?”

*****

And my personal
 favorite…

God’s Problem 
Now! 

His wife’s
 graveside 
service was just barely finished, when there was a massive
 clap of thunder, 
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
 even more thunder 
rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at
 the pastor and calmly 
said, “Well, she’s there.”

*****

Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in
 your heart! 

A smile – is a sign of joy. A hug – is a sign of love. 

A laugh – is a sign of happiness.

 And a friend like me? – Well that’s just a sign of
 good taste! 

We’ll be friends until I am senile.

A Yearly Dementia Test (only 4 questions)

Yep, it’s that time of year again to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important
to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. 
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not. 

The space below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself! If you said, bread, go to Question #2. 

# 2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say ‘water,’ proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!! But, if you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question #4.

# 4. Do not use a calculator for this: 

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on. 
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!! Don’t you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!

1. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
2. Pearls melt in vinegar.
3. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
4. It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
5. Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.
6. 6. The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,” uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
7. Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
8. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
9. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
10. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the “American Pie.” (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
11. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades – King David; Clubs – Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.
12. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
13. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression “to get fired.”
14. Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
15. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.
16. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
17. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
18. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
19. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
20. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
21. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
22. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
23. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
24. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”
25. The man who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
26. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
27. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
28. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are stuck on 4:

HOW MANY DID YOU KNOW?

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain. 

This is very important please pay attention.

Please remember to wear a helmet.

Do you think so?

Sometimes you just have to speak your mind!

All of us over 60 already know this…

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo –

“Defrost the chicken first.”

An old adage that is undoubtedly and unfortunately too true. It is all too common to see this in volunteer work for groups, associations and other types of organizations where we see a few people putting in often an incredible number of hours, without compensation, only to be criticized by those that sit on the sidelines and do little if anything to further the objective. Many forget that just because I would do something one way and you would go to another doesn’t mean that one of us is right and one of us is wrong but typically means that there is more than one way to accomplish the objective. when I was younger what happened in the world was either black or white. As I have gotten older, and hopefully acquired some experience, I find little is either black or white but that most is varying shades of gray.

What is also true is that more often than not the criticism comes for work done in an area that many do not want to be involved with. For instance, who hasn’t seen the volunteer that does the cleanup work at a church criticized for not doing the job perfectly or more timely? Another area where this will appear is when an organization requires a rewrite of certain founding and operating documents. One that can be particularly grating happened to me not all that long ago. Here we had someone, me, who was already putting in a substantial number of hours having another major task dropped in his lap without even being extended the courtesy of a discussion. By the way when this happened I terminated my association with the organization and this is not an unusual result when those on the sidelines forget even common courtesies.

Is there a solution?  Absent a change in human nature probably not! So what keeps those that do the volunteer work going? Often those that are doing the work commiserate with each other and shoulder on. Not perfect, but at least it keeps the wheels turning.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘ Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.~ David Letterman

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.~ Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself..~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostan

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley