(I do hope this brightens up your day, particularly those of you in the northern climes that are experiencing one of the worst winters in years.)

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that! he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of my  Fadder.’ He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go here and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly bitch he’s running around with.’

18.  You don’t have to sneak your golf magazine into the house.

17.  If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

16.  The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about golf.

15.  If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

14.  Your golf partner won’t keep asking you questions about other partners you’ve golfed with.

13.  It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

12.  When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

11.  If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.

10.  Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.

9.  When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to worry if they are really an undercover cop.

8.  You don’t have to go to some sleazy neighborhood to buy your golf stuff.

7.  You can have a golf calendar on the wall in your office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without being sued for harassment.

6.  There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

5.  If you want to watch golf on television you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

4.  Nobody expects you to promise to play golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

3.  Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

2.  You don’t have to be a newlywed to paln a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

And the Number One reason Golf is Better than Sex:

1.  Your golf partner will never say, “What?? We just golfed last week!! Is that all you ever think about??”

HISTORY OF ST. PATRICK’S DAY

We celebrate March 17th in commemoration of St. Patrick’s grand and noble deed of driving the Norwegians out of Ireland.  It seems that centuries ago many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.  Ireland was having a famine at the time and food was quite scarce.  The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing but potatoes.  St. Patrick taking matters into his own hands like most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.  Secretly he organized the IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland Of Norwegians).  Irish members of IRATRION sabotaged all power plants in the hopes the fish in Norwegian refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate where their fish would keep.  The fish spoiled all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows to this day, thrive on spoiled fish.  Faced with failure, the Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegians fish storage coves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders.  But, as everyone knows, this is how lutefisk was introduced to the Norwegians and they thrived on this lye soaked smelly fish.  Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making lefse.  Poor St. Patrick was at his wits end and finally on March 17th he blew his top and told all the Norwegians in Ireland to go to “HELL”, and it worked, as they all packed up and went to Minnesota.

Two mature golfing buddies were also best friends. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Joe visited him every day. One day Joe said, “Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s golf there.”

Frank looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, “Joe, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Joe! Joe !”

“Who is it,” asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Joe — it’s me, Frank”

“You’re not Frank. Frank just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Frank!”

“Frank, Where are you?”

“In heaven,” said Frank. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Joe.

“The good news is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies are here too. Even better, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summertime and it never rains!” “Best of all, we can play golf all we want, and never get tired; and we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

“That’s fantastic,” said Joe “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in my foursome this Saturday”

Life is uncertain – Eat dessert first.

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.  Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. 12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I Betcha you cannot resist passing it on………

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind and asks…..

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.

Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice
2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth
8. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen
11. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top. — Pete Dye
14. I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham
16. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
17. It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
18. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon
22. The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is because all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury
25. The #1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek. — St. Titleist

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.”
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”
Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it. There really are only two ducks out there!  Where did you get that dog”? 
Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him”. 


So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!”
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, “Earl, dogs can’t talk.  He was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

I get this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it.

It’s very well written.

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT

ITS COLD

 The End.