The shortest college paper. This is too funny and just too brillant. Love it: Leave it to a woman.
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The story had to contain the following three things:
Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:
“Good God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it.”
Thanks to Fran for this one.
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”
“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you prefer a bed near the window?”
(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)
This past week I received a notice that the Verizon Wireless America’s Choice II Litigation had been settled and I received my award – 40 calling units equal to 40 minutes of domestic calling or roughly 13 minutes of international calling. Talk about meaningless, I never hit the subscribed minutes in my plan (we all subscribe for a little more than we think we will need because the penalty for going over the limit is so punitive) so this award is something less than meaningless. However, the attorneys were awarded fees and cost not to exceed $6,000,000!
Somehow this has to stop. Allowing attorneys to pocket huge fees while those supposedly aggrieved receive token awards borders on robbery. A few years ago I received another notice of award in an action against State Farm Insurance. In that case the attorneys received something like $5,000,000 and the participants in the class were awarded the right to buy more insurance. In an earlier post I discussed the Lehman settlement with a similar huge award to attorneys. All of the costs in these suits are paid for by us – that’s right these awards are a cost of doing business and are figured in the price we pay for a product or service.
Let’s start leaning on our elected representatives to pass real tort reform. Until that time we can look for more of the same.
Probably the only good thing, other than eliminating the pain, about having my right knee replaced is that I got back to reading and as usual the range is a little eclectic. One of my favorite authors, Dan Silva, just released the latest Gabriel Allon work, The Fallen Angel, and it did not disappoint. For those of you not familiar with this series, Allon is a Mossad operative that moonlights as an art restorer or is he an art restorer that moonlights as a Mossad operative. In this story, like one before, Allon becomes involved with the Vatican in what appears to be totally unrelated to Israel but leads to a plot to destroy Israel. The character development as always is solid and those familiar with the series will recognize them. Highly recommended!
Titanic Thompson: The Man Who Bet On Everything by Kevin Cook, is the true story of an iconic character who passed away in 1974. He started life as a card shark but progressed through just about anything that he could bet on. He would practice a new gig until he was perfect. He picked up golf and could play both right and left handed. He played with many of the greats, including Byron Nelson and Ben Hogan, but did not play the nacent PGA Tour despite the fact he could beat the best at the time. His reason was that he could not afford the pay cut. The swath he cut through life included five wives and and killing five men among other things. Thompson was the ultimate hustler and the story of his life is entertaining and worth the read.
One of my favorite authors, Robert Parker, passed away in January 2010 and I am generally apprensive about reading books written about any author’s characters by another. So it took me a bit to download the latest Spenser novel, Lullaby, written by Ace Atkins. It did not take long for me to get comfortable with the work. Atkins was hand picked by Parker’s estate to carry on with the Spenser series and he does an amazing job of sounding like Parker. Spenser, a private detective, takes on a case brought to him by a 14 year old girl and it winds through the Boston projects on to death row. Parker fans will be glad to know that Hawk is alive and well. A solid read especially for Parker fans.
Reading Devices or The Kindle Phenomenon
I have the Kindle reading app on four devices – The Kindle, an iPad, a MacBook Air and my iPhone and over time use all four. If I am home I generally prefer reading on the Kindle. It is light, easy to read and the navigation is straight forward. Having said that, if I am traveling I generally use the iPad for a couple of reasons. One, I will take the iPad anyway and see little reason to carry two devices and second the Kindle app on the iPad is great and reading is easy. Here, as with the Kindle navigation is straight forward. Reading on my iPhone is one of those almost accidental things. It happens when I am waiting for an appointment – mostly at a doctors office – or waiting for my wife and it is the device that I have with me. Not the best option but reading on the iPhone is actually quite good. While I could read on my MacBook Air, I rarely do as I generally have one of the other devices available.. The beauty of the Kindle app is that it keeps track of where you are in a book and when you bring the book up on another device it asks if you want to go to the furthest point you have read. As you have probably surmised I am sold on using one of these devices rather than a hardcopy book. As a matter of fact, I do not think I have purchased a hardcopy book since I acquired my Kindle. By the way, the Kindle app is available for virtually any device.
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People — What do you expect from such simple creatures?
No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it And to the men who will enjoy reading it. Men Are Just Happier People
Something I got from Tom to start your week.
TEACHER: Why are you late? – STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? – JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ – TEACHER: No, that’s wrong – GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? – DONALD: H I J K L M N O. – TEACHER: What are you talking about? – DONALD: Yesterday you said its H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. – WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? – GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘ – MILLIE: I is.. – TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’ – MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? – LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? – SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his? – CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? – HAROLD: A teacher
The following is an actual question given on a University chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”
“What do you mean?” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”
“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.
“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82, then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”
“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel, and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”
In addition to my MacBook Air, another component of my metamorphosis from the PC world to Apple is my latest verison iPad. Many have asked the question whether or not the iPad can replace a notebook computer and my answer is a qualified yes. Qualified because it depends on what you need to accomplish. On my last two trips, one of three days and the other two days, I left the MacBook Air at home and traveled with the iPad. Had it been necessary for me to send an email to one of my larger groups the iPad would not have worked, no option for Outlook so no way to use Send Individually. (In my post of a couple of days ago I expanded on Send Individually.) For everything else that I needed to do; manage email, compose documents, view content and view attachments the iPad worked perfectly.
Let me explore a few of the components that make this possible. Two of the components are parts of the iWork family from Apple, Pages and Numbers. As you probably surmised Pages is a word processing application and Numbers is a spreadsheet application, both are Microsoft Office compatible. Another component that is most helpful, and one that I am using creating this post, is the built in capacity to dictate into applications on the iPad. While the speech recognition is not on the level available from Dragon’s Naturally Speaking, it is certainly more than adequate for rough draft work. Both Pages and Numbers are available through the App Store for $9.99 each which is certainly not a budget buster. By default both of the programs store your documents on iCloud making them available from any device that provides iCloud access. As long as you have a compatible printer printing from either application is painless. Also you can email documents directly from the applications.
I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss one other component that makes what I do on the iPad possible, my Belkin keyboard case. A couple of weekends ago, as part of a three day golf tournament, I managed two calcutta’s with 18 teams and fairly involved spreadsheets on the iPad using Numbers. Without the Belkin I may have been able to do it but no where as efficiently or easy on the operator.
With an increasing number of newspapers and magazines available in digital format the iPad is the perfect way to access this content to the point where for the most part I have cancelled the print subscription. While in most cases you can also use a laptop to access the content the form factor is not as ideal and in some cases the format available on the iPad is superior. Each morning I begin the day with a couple cups of coffee, my iPad and read three digital newspapers.
Am I ready to give up my MacBook Air? No but having said that neither am I willing too give up my iPad and find that I an using the iPad more and more.
