Ten Things To Ponder

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky–not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

Number 2 – In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

– – – and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–
it doesn’t last that long.”

Well it has been two months since we left Arizona for Minnesota and for the first time since the original IBM PC was introduced in 1981 I have not used a Windows PC in that time. Reason being I left my HP 18″ laptop in Arizona – on purpose – to see if I could comfortably exist with only my Apple MacBook Air. Things have gone well and I have been able to complete everything without any problems. As I noted in an earlier post, I do run Windows under Parallels on the MacBook Air primarily because an Outlook add-in, Send Individually by Sperry Software, is not available for the Mac version of Outlook. I use Send Individually when either sending to larger groups than my ISP will allow or when I only want each recipients name to be displayed when sending to multiple addresses.  Also, because even paranoids have some real enemies I still use the Windows version of Quicken. I suspect with the next update of Quicken for the Mac I will make that transition. For other work I use Mac software, Microsoft Office, a neat inexpensive publishing package called Swift Publisher, Adobe Acrobat and Chrome.  Evernote is my filing cabinet where I store documents, emails and any other items that I want available from any device. I have Evernote installed on the MacBook Air, my iPad, iPhone and on my HP laptop and have full availability regardless of which device I have. If you haven’t found Evernote yet you owe it to yourself to take a look.

For a confirmed Windows PC person to have found the transition to Apple this easy is really quite remarkable. With the advent of iCloud and the seamless integration on all of the Apple devices it will make it tough to even consider moving back to the HP in the fall.

One sometimes has to wonder what our political leaders are thinking?  Take for instance the hub bub over the use of places like Las Vegas and Hawaii as destinations for conferences and meetings.  Hard to forget the hit that Vegas took about three years ago. What they seem to forget is that the hospitality industries in Vegas and Hawaii employ people and when they were trashed it caused a large number of layoffs. Further it no doubt contributed to the crash in the real estate market in Vegas. What makes this even more amazing is that Vegas is one of the least expensive locations to hold conferences and the like. Hawaii while not inexpensive is typically less expensive than similar accommodations in places like San Francisco and New York. By the way, the last time I looked Vegas and Hawaii are in the United States so it is not like the money is going overseas.

On another front we just witnessed two prosecutions that probably should not have happened. While there is no doubt that John Edwards is at best a scoundrel and probably worse, spending millions of our tax dollars attempting to find him guilty of criminal activity based principally on the testimony of a liar was destined to fail. Similarly, pursuing Roger Clemens twice – the prosecution screwed up the first trial by disobeying the judge’s order – then tried again. The second trial covered 8 weeks and 48 witnesses before the jury returned an acquittal on all accounts. Here again the prosecution’s case hinged on the testimony of one person. All for what? Was whatever Roger Clemens might or might not have done worthy of spending millions of our tax dollars? I think not principally because who cares. What national interest was in play here? Some would say that you can’t lie to the Senate but before embarking on something on this scale one would hope there would be a little more substance.

The amount of money spent on these boondoggles makes what was spent on the GSA Vegas jaunt and the upcoming 9th Feds trip to Hawaii something less than rounding errors and look at the amount of press and the level of accusations these produced. I will leave it to you to speculate as to why things like this happen. For certain it is not because someone is concerned about how our tax dollars are spent. Unfortunately I doubt that it is to see that justice is done.

THESE ARE “ACTUAL” QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

Thanks to Tom for this one.  Some of these might qualify for the “Darwin Awards”.

1) “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2) “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3) “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”

4) “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5) “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

6) “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

7) “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

8) “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

9) “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

10) “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

11) “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

12) “A gross ignoramus…144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

13) “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier..”

14) “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15) “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16) “He would argue with a signpost.”

17) “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18) “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19) “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20) “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21) “A prime candidate for natural de-selection..”

22) “Donated his brain to science before he was through using it.”

23) “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain’t coming.”

24) “He’s got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25) “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26) “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27) “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28) “It’s hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29) “One neuron short of a synapse.”

30) “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

31) “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60 minutes’.”

32) “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

It has been a while since I posted anything from my reading forays but here we go.  First the old friend, in this case Stuart Woods.  His latest, Unnatural Acts, is in the Stone Barrington series and as always provides an engaging read.  In this one the evolving Herbie Fischer plays an increasing role.  Woods fans will remember Herbie as the ner-do-well that always managed to find trouble even if he had to go out of his way to look for it. Herbie is now an attorney and actually manages to even do some things right.  Dino, Barrington’s police lieutenant friend, faces a dilemma when a former lover and FBI agent, turned serial killer reappears with explosive results.  As is Wood’s want you will also find a sprinkling of other Woods characters making cameo appearances.  As you track through the story of Herbie attempting to help one of the law firm’s top clients deal with a problem son, you will be looking for the unnatural act and believe me you will find it. The sometimes larger than life characters, particularly the villains, that are a cornerstone of Woods offerings are here and in full bloom.

I stumbled across the new acquaintance, Karin Fossum, very much by accident – Amazon had a choice of her books for $0.99 one day and I thought – what-the-hell – at that price I would give one a try and even if I didn’t like it I wouldn’t lose much.  Well I liked it and liked it a lot.  Fossum is a Norwegian author and the setting is, not surprisingly in Norway.  The book, Don’t Look Back, is part of a series that features a smart and enigmatic Inspector Sejer as the protagonist who weaves his way through a seemingly unexplainable murder of a teen-age girl in a small Norwegian town where everybody knows everybody. As Inspector Sejer peals back the layers of secrets, lies and deceit like the layers of an onion a seemingly unrelated event proves key the unlocking the mystery.  Fans of the Stieg Larsson’s Girl That Kicked the Hornets Nest series will certainly be at home with this book and author. Given how much I enjoyed this book I will be moving on to others in the series and will provide updates.

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water .

GO NAVY!

This is a repost of one that I originally posted in March 2010 but is one that should be redone periodically and I thought has some relevance today.  An interesting postscript is that both Jefferson and John Adams died on July 4, 1826.

“It has been said the greatest volume of sheer brainpower in one place occurred when Jefferson dined alone...” John Kennedy

HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW??????
When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.
Thomas Jefferson

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
Thomas Jefferson

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
Thomas Jefferson

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
Thomas Jefferson

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
Thomas Jefferson

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
Thomas Jefferson

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered..’

Quickie #1 One day, Bob came got home from work, and was greeted at the door by his wife who was dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up, and went fishing.

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door, and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh, my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is a husband.

Quickie #4 A recent Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A Z.’ “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied. “I know the guy.”

Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back of the room. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

Quickie #6 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! Oh, I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Quickie #7 Fifty years ago, Fred , a Michigan mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Fred ever since.

This morning here in Minnesota I had the view now in my Blog header.  Do not often get the perfect mirror image of the shoreline on the lake.  A broader view is below.