I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “”Uno, dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It’s OK, though. He’s doing better and conducting himself properly.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

“Doctor, my child swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?”

“Let’s wait and see if anything develops.”

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move.”

Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out!”

I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were really against me.

In Britain it’s called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently

97% of people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%.

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.—George Carlin
8. 8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke

CRAFTY
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’  Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’.

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,  When he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGHAND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

1.         The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

2.         When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

3.         I don’t mean to interrupt people, but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

4.         I thought growing old would take longer.

5.         It’s weird being the same age as old people.

6.         I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do. 

7.         Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

8.         If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

9.         Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think… “That can’t be accurate.?!

10.       I see people out there zip lining and mountain climbing and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

11.       Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

12.       If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

13.       We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.

14.       You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

15.       Weight loss goal:  To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

16.       After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails.

17.       Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

18.       For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

19.       I just got a present labeled, From Mom and Dad, and you know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

20.       Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

21.       Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…..Turn Signals.

22.       The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected ~ Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.~ Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~ Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.~ Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~ John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~ Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country ~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~ Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~ Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.~ Will Rogers~

A bonus and one of my favorites – Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain-

• He gave his father “the talk”
• His passport requires no photograph
• When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
• Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
• His Cinco de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
• His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
• He once went to the psychic, to warn her
• If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
• Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
• He can speak Russian… in French
• He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
• Superman has pajamas with his logo
• His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
• The circus ran away to join him
• Bear hugs are what he gives bears
• He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
• When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
• His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
• He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
• If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
• He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
• He can kill two stones with one bird
• His signature won a Pulitzer
• When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
• He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
• The dark is afraid of him
• Sharks have a week dedicated to him
• His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
• No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
• He once made a weeping willow laugh
• He lives vicariously through himself
• His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
• He once taught a German shepherd how to bark in Spanish
• He bowls overhand
• In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
• He is allowed to talk about the fight club
• He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
• He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle

#1:  Cars Were Colorful!  Most cars these days look fairly bland, but in the 50’s, our cars were big, bright, and fun!

#2.  We Got Dressed Up for Birthday Parties.  And sometimes there was even a pony there!

#3:  We Played in the Streets:  We didn’t have to text our friends back in the day – we’d all just come outside and get to playing!  Who was a two-sewer slugger?

#4:  Gas Was Very Cheap:  On some days, it was only $0.20 a gallon, and beyond that, the people at the station could fix just about anything!

#5:  The Ben Franklin 5-10 Was Everything:  We loved going to these stores.  They had just about anything and everything you could think of. So did Woolworth, Kresge and J.C. Penny!

#6:  If it Wasn’t the Ben Franklin, it was the A&P!

#7: Our Skates Got “Locked” with a Key.  They were also made almost entirely of metal and very hard to skate on!

#8:  The Drive-In Was The Place to Be:  This 1950’s photo from South Bend, Indiana, shows how popular they were!

#9:  Car Seats Were More Like Couches:  That’s right – they were big, long, and you could slide all the way across!  How about that Jane Russell bra!

#10:  The Freezer Actually Had to be DEFROSTED!:  That’s right, every now and then you’d have to manually defrost the freezer – sometimes it took all day – with a lot of scraping!

#11:  Grandma Let Us Do Everything.  Well, maybe that hasn’t changed so much, but we LOVED eating off the beaters!

#12:  Sometimes Your Food Came On Roller Skates!  Certain restaurants had “roller girls” who would zoom your food out to you!

#13:  We got DOWN at the Sock Hop!  And sweet 16 parties!

#14:  Sunday Drives Were A Thing:  On Sunday, many of us would load up the family car and just go cruising over to the neighbors or just around town!

#15:  There Was One TV.  And, surprise, we didn’t argue all night about who should get to watch their favorite show.  Most of the time, we all liked the same shows!

#16:  The Playgrounds were VERY Different:  At recess, we’d swing from the monkey bars with wild abandon and often even stand on the swings and go as high as possible.  And still, we survived!

#17:  TV Had “Sign Off” Messages.  Remember these?  TV would go off at midnight and sometimes even go as far as playing the National Anthem all night.

#18: Just One Hula Hoop Wasn’t Enough:  Some of us could do multiple at a time!

#19:  We didn’t Text, But We Did Pass Notes!  And we were experts at not getting caught!  Check out the shoes!

#20:  We Had Xylophones That We Kept on a Pull String.  There was nothing like the Pull a Tune!

#21:  We Got Bottled Cokes and Loved Them: No cans or plastic bottles back then.  We were 100% excited when we’d find a cooler like this to get that ice-cold bottle!

Those Were The Days, My Friends!

They’re Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for the church ladies with computers.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up —

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were in favor of it

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.