Why Go to Church?
Last Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son for him to ready himself for church, and she was shocked when he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: – you’re 59 years old, and you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,” he answered.

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman was nearby, engaged halfway up a telephone pole.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The $20 bill reminisced about its travel all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the $20 proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the $1 bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the $20, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The $1 bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church.”

The $20 bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

A man went to the Harbourview Medical Center in Vancouver to have his wedding ring cut off of his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn’t know he was married, and she was so mad, she used Vaseline to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1. Having your girlfriend find out you’re married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis…. OR…
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

…….Tough call.  You decide.

 

As Buddha was quoted: “There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: the sun, the moon, the truth.”

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story — In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats.”
But, none of them comes up to the man – touch his penis and say, “Good  job.”
Moral of the story — Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness – but it’s far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy – but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble – they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems – but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
2. I think Congressmen should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms — one in office and one in prison.

This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me!!

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.”

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”