In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,  This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,  The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,  I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,  Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,  A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,  I Chide myself And Almost Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,  If I Can Hit It Straight And Far

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,  Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,  And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,  And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,  To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,  It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,  If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,  And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,  But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of  balls .    A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.    Another study found golfers drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.    That means, on average, golfers get about  41 miles to the gallon.    Kind of makes you proud.  I Almost feel like a hybrid

This is priceless

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are. You will be really shocked by the last one (at least, I was)!!!

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think and puts things into perspective.

Diet Snapple, 16 oz., $1.29 … $10.32 per gallon!

Starbuck’s Reg Coffee 16 oz., $2.10… $16.80 per gallon!

Lipton Iced Tea, 16 oz., $1.19 … $9.52 per gallon!

Gatorade, 20 oz., $1.59 ….. $10.17 per gallon!

Ocean Spray, 16 oz., $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!

Brake Fluid, 12 oz., $3.15 … $33.60 per gallon! 

Vick’s Nyquil, 6 oz., $8.35 … $178.13 per gallon!

Pepto Bismol, 4 oz., $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!

Whiteout, 7 oz., $1.39 ……… $25.42 per gallon!

Scope, 1.5 oz., $0.99 …..$84.48 per gallon!

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water, 9 oz., $1.49 …$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for a gallon of WATER!! and the buyers don’t even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? So, they can hook you for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at you won’t believe it but it’s true: $ 5,200 a gal – $ 5200 A GALLON!!!

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

And, If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, less people will know…… !!May you be happy and well 

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say, “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (If you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes must fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
5. The highest level of criticism is “He is different,”” She is different,” or “It was different!”

OR

You can retire to South Carolina where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. ”Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder”,  “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say, “Bless his heart” at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Iowa where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?”

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

While I rarely post videos, this one is too good to not share – particularly for any of us that have or still do fly a lot.

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

So, do you think English is easy? Read all the way to the end. This took a lot of work to put together!

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’?

A circus owner runs an ad for a “lion tamer wanted” and two people show up.

One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history.

“Here’s your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The gorgeous brunette says, “I’ll go first.”

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.

The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor!! He says, “That’s amazing!  I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies… “Possibly… but you’ve got to get that lion out of there first.”

1. “Success in this game depends less on strength of body than strength of mind and character.” – Arnold Palmer

2. “I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for, getting paid for doing what you love.” -Tiger Woods

3. “Stay true to yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will lead you to your dream.” -James Ross

4 “If you worry about making bogeys, it makes the game that much more difficult. You put more pressure on yourself without even noticing it. It makes a difference to take it easy when things aren’t going right.” -Sergio Garcia

5 “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing!” -Anonymous

6. “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” -P.G. Wodehouse

7.  “The value of routine; trusting your swing.” -Lorii Myers

8. “A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks.” -Gary Player

9. “Arnold’s place in history will be as the man who took golf from being a game for the few to a sport for the masses. He was the catalyst who made that happen.” -Jack Nicklaus

10. “Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots.” -Dr Bob Rotella

11. “I have to believe in myself. I know what I can do, what I can achieve.” -Sergio Garcia

12. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” -Bruce Crampton

13. “Achievements on the golf course are not what matters, decency and honesty are what matter.” -Tiger Woods

14. “One reason golf is such an exasperating game is that a thing we learned is so easily forgotten, and we find ourselves struggling year after year with faults we had discovered and corrected time and again.” -Bobby Jones

15. “For this game you need, above all things, to be in a tranquil frame of mind.” -Harry Vardon

16. “One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.” -Peter Jacobsen

17. “As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan

18. “Golf is a science, the study of a lifetime, in which you can exhaust yourself but never your subject.” -David Forgan

19. “I have found the game to be, in all factualness, a universal language wherever I traveled at home or abroad.” -Ben Hogan

20. “Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy.” -Amy Alcott

21. “A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.” -Davis Love Jr.

22. “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.” -Arnold Palmer

23. “The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -St Andrews Rotary Club Member