One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”The golfer replied that his club had fallen into

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

That is the truth!

• As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.
• I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
• Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.
• My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
• It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
• I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
• As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
• Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore. . ..  I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” My Trainer: “It was one sit-up.”
• As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
• I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
• If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
• Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
• I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.
• God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
• I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
• I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
• My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
• Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
• Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
• She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
• So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChicken’s all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.  Are you kidding me?
• Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
• There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest

Things are getting complicated in the gender field these days. Here’s a handy guide.  Hope it helps clarify things for you.

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1)  Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2)  Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.  It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3)  A Tire is Male because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.

4)  A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

5)  Sponges are Female because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

6)  A Web Page is Female because it’s always getting hit on.

7)  A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9)  A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

10)  A Remote Control is Female.  Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you?  But consider this – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

These were actually on the men’s room wall at the Sportsman’s Cafe in Carlos, Minnesota :

First:

Those who write on shit house walls roll their shit in little balls.

Those who read those bits of wit eat those little balls of shit.

Second:

Here I sit all broken hearted …

Tried to shit and only farted!

Over the urial in a Golf Course Men’s Room

Beauty is only a light switch away – Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. – The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar & Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry – Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tee, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere – Written in the dust on the back of a bus Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war hell, do both GET MARRIED! – Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – Revolution Books New York, NY

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! – Men’s restroom House of Representatives Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less – Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him – Sign over the mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone. – Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

And perhaps the most realistic one

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Note this is a repost of my impressions from our one trip to the Masters, but thought it appropriate for today – the final day of the Masters tournament.

Walking through the gates of Augusta National Golf Club, and by the way your badge is scanned, one first sees the practice area and range on the left. Perfectly green mowed grass and the really white sand in the practice bunkers. Having attended both US Opens and PGA Championships as I walked on to Augusta I was struck by the palpable difference between those major championships and The Masters. For starters you are struck by the absence of any corporate, or any other kind for that matter, tents. All you see is golf course and the buildings necessary to host an event of this magnitude, and those are painted a dark green to make them as unobtrusive as possible, the clubhouse and a few other tasteful white buildings.

At other major championships, or regular tour events for that matter, the photographers are inside the ropes and particularly as the leaders or high profile players reach a point they swarm around the green and make it nearly impossible for the fans waiting there to see anything. Not at the Masters – the photographers are outside the ropes. The only ones inside the ropes are the players, caddies, a few rules officials and sometimes a TV cameraman out in the fairway. Another difference, and in this case something I missed, there are no sign bearers with each group detailing that group’s players standing vs. par.

Those of you that have been to any Disney facility know that they are noted for their regimented line standing. Well, I know where they got the idea, it was at the Masters! One might argue the other way around but the Masters has been around longer than Disney. Standing in line is necessary for most everything, the concession stands, the restrooms, the merchandise building and it is regimented. In many cases there will be someone standing with a sign letting you know how much time is left from that point. In the men’s restrooms, I did not do any research in the women’s, there are people directing traffic along and as you reach the top of the line. Also, and this is a mind blower, after each use of one of the regular toilettes someone actually cleans and disinfects the seat!

Television cannot convey the majesty, scale or conditioning of the Augusta Golf Course. On television one does not get any sense for the elevation changes on the course and they are substantial. I walked up the hill to the ninth green a couple of times and had no wonder why Craig Stadler and some others took it slowly. Similarly, there is a large, hundreds of yards across, open area in the middle of the course. Of course, that area is as perfectly maintained as the rest of the grounds. As one looks at the fairways it appears as if no one has ever played golf there, it is that perfect. Augusta is known for its lack of rough and for all practical purposes there is none – what would be called rough is about one-half inch longer than the tight fairways.

Food at Augusta is cheap! The famed Pimento Cheese sandwich, I had one – it is a must – is $1.50. Sodas are $1.50, beer is $3.00, $4.00 if you want imported, a chicken wrap is $3.00 and snacks are $1.00. The items in the merchandise building tend to make up for it but after all it is the Masters at Augusta!

Enough about the plumbing. How about the experience? I think that CBS uses a line something like “The Masters a place like no other” and that is an apt description. And they intend to keep it that way. CBS is I think it’s 40th something one year contract to televise the tournament – no multi-year contracts here – its our way or the highway. We can all remember Gary McCord. It has been said that Augusta marches to it’s own drummer and that is what makes this place and event so special. No big electronic scoreboards here – they do it the old fashioned way with people on tall ladders and plastic numbers that change constantly. It is difficult in words to explain how special this place is and how one feels that while on the grounds but hopefully I have provided at least a glimpse.

The outside world however is a mess. The course is in the middle of Augusta and the traffic is terrible. We were staying less than a mile from the entrance but as we left the course the only way the police would let us go sent us on a journey that was something over ten miles – that’s right over ten miles to accomplish a less than one mile trip. And you are going to walk. Parking as one might expect is hard to find and not generally close to your destination. For those of you from Minnesota who have attended the State Fair will be familiar with people renting out their front yards for parking. If you are planning to attend the Masters and have not done so be advised to secure lodging NOW and expect to pay through the nose no matter what level of accommodations you can find. We talked with people who were staying in Columbia South Carolina – over 73 miles away and that was the best they could do.

As we watch Professional Golf Tournaments on television we hear the announcers talk about slow play but until you actually see it in action it can be hard to comprehend. With TV we are almost always watching action as they move between holes. However, when you are on one hole watching the players come through – we were set-up at the ninth green and am here to tell you these guys are SLOW! Try two and one-half hours to two hours forty minutes to cover the front nine. I guess four hours for 18 holes is not so bad.

Would I go again? In a heartbeat. Even with the traffic snarls, overpriced accommodations and other hassles the Masters is truly a place like no other.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid the doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck; a bald guy who just won a comb.