The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition.

Here are the  winners: 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,  which renders the subject financially impotent for an  indefinite  period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s  both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at  getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to  start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back  to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance  surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The  bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the  near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The  gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get  it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are  running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate  disease.  – (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really  bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a  serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of  getting through the day consuming only things that are good for  you.
13. All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they  come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The  frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a  spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a  mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and  cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you  turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning  submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The  person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while  drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a  steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding  hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that,  after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer  shorts worn by Jewish men.

Bless her little heart. How sweet. The secret to long life.

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above: She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, have sex, and I don’t exercise at all.

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Forty,” she replied.

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.” The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said “Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?” “Sure” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros.”

“Grand so” replied the Irishman, “pour the pints and start the clock.” It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare. “Ok yank, pay up.” said the Irishman.

“I’m happy to pay, here is your money” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’

The Irishman replied, “Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Texan.  ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship   and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says  ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’  ‘Coming up’ says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says  ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says  ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.  As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies  ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor… Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…. Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’ and you answer:  ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’

It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “

• I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, “May I have large bills, please?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
• When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Chevy dealership in Canton, MS.
• We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
• My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
• My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.– From Kansas City
• I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
• The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
• At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
• I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE.

A graphic artist living in Germany works from home. His wife leaves their baby girl with him each day as she goes off to work.

 A few months ago, he got tired of her texting to check on how he was doing with the baby.  So, he started photo shopping responses to text back to her, and it has become a worldwide Instagram sensation.

Here are a few of them.

ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald’s and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.

‘You don’t?’ I replied.

‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.

‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’

‘That’s right.’

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true…) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn’t have any, only  Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’

I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’

She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.

She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’

Hmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.

‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check  about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,  ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’

Dispatcher: ‘Rush him to emergency right now!’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh….it is all true. Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now! And remember, Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!