Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg…  The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’  The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’  ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Poof! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’ Poof! He’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. It’s full of nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…

Lesson 5 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut! 

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I’ll explain later.”

 The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.” 

The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.

In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,  This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,  The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,  I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,  Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,  A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,  I Chide myself And Almost Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,  If I Can Hit It Straight And Far

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,  Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,  And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,  And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,  To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,  It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,  If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,  And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,  But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of  balls .    A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.    Another study found golfers drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.    That means, on average, golfers get about  41 miles to the gallon.    Kind of makes you proud.  I Almost feel like a hybrid