A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”  “Yes, they help me sleep at night.”  “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!”  She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.” 

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey.  Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:

1)  It is perfect formula for the child.
2)  It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)  It is always the right temperature.
4)  It is inexpensive.
5)  It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)  It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck – couldn’t think of another.  Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7)  It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.  He got an A.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. “Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.  The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth?  They’re hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money.”  The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”  His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”  After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”  She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”

A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”  Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”   The wife said, “Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t ask for directions.”

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE………

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

 

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx

”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

”When I’m good I’m very good, when I’m bad, I’m even better.” – Mae West

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!”

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray.. Asking God for ice cream! Why — I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, “Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?”

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson & said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, “Here ma’am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your ass and cool off!”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it!

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: 

“Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At one point, he needed to choose and enter a new password.

Something he will use to log on, every time.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

“p…e…n…i…s.”

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.

No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $59.23 per night

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, workout room, lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem they fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you……

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)

I’m only sending this to my “Senior” friends. I love to see you smile.I hope I can a take a cruise for a year or two before checking into a motel.

• Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
• The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
• It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. – Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to go to church?
• It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
• The rake is always in the other trap.
• If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
• Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
• It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway if you don’t care which fairway.
• If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
• The greatest sound in golf is the “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.
• A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
• It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt
• With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
• The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4-foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
• Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
• Golden Rule: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse.

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.

”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’