A circus owner runs an ad for a “lion tamer wanted” and two people show up.

One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history.

“Here’s your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The gorgeous brunette says, “I’ll go first.”

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.

The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor!! He says, “That’s amazing!  I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies… “Possibly… but you’ve got to get that lion out of there first.”

1. “Success in this game depends less on strength of body than strength of mind and character.” – Arnold Palmer

2. “I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for, getting paid for doing what you love.” -Tiger Woods

3. “Stay true to yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will lead you to your dream.” -James Ross

4 “If you worry about making bogeys, it makes the game that much more difficult. You put more pressure on yourself without even noticing it. It makes a difference to take it easy when things aren’t going right.” -Sergio Garcia

5 “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing!” -Anonymous

6. “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” -P.G. Wodehouse

7.  “The value of routine; trusting your swing.” -Lorii Myers

8. “A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks.” -Gary Player

9. “Arnold’s place in history will be as the man who took golf from being a game for the few to a sport for the masses. He was the catalyst who made that happen.” -Jack Nicklaus

10. “Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots.” -Dr Bob Rotella

11. “I have to believe in myself. I know what I can do, what I can achieve.” -Sergio Garcia

12. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” -Bruce Crampton

13. “Achievements on the golf course are not what matters, decency and honesty are what matter.” -Tiger Woods

14. “One reason golf is such an exasperating game is that a thing we learned is so easily forgotten, and we find ourselves struggling year after year with faults we had discovered and corrected time and again.” -Bobby Jones

15. “For this game you need, above all things, to be in a tranquil frame of mind.” -Harry Vardon

16. “One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.” -Peter Jacobsen

17. “As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan

18. “Golf is a science, the study of a lifetime, in which you can exhaust yourself but never your subject.” -David Forgan

19. “I have found the game to be, in all factualness, a universal language wherever I traveled at home or abroad.” -Ben Hogan

20. “Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy.” -Amy Alcott

21. “A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.” -Davis Love Jr.

22. “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.” -Arnold Palmer

23. “The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -St Andrews Rotary Club Member

This is what all of you 70+ year-olds, and yet-to-be kids have to look forward to!!  This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

Heads up — We are ALL getting there. Some of us (myself included) are getting there faster than others

An elderly physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to reopen a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500 – if not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So, he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

Dr Young: ‘Aaagh! — This is Gasoline!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr Young: “Oh, no you don’t — that is Gasoline!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500”

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so, “Here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

*Moral of story* — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”

*Remember: * Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

When told the reason for Daylight Saving Time, the Old Indian said, 
“Only the government would believe that you can cut a foot off the top 
of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and get a longer blanket.”

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

‘No thanks… I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship’s hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.

However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,m “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn’t help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear.”  The Admiral threw him out as well.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, “Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses.”

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how would you know that?” the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin’ ear.

You might like to recall..October 3, 1950  “Peanuts” first debuted in seven newspapers under the United Features Syndicate. Developed by Charles M. Schulz, who was raised Lutheran in Minneapolis and Saint Paul, Minnesota, “Peanuts” ran for nearly 50 years and was published in 2,600 newspapers, 75 countries and 21 languages. The little red haired girl who was his first love, passed on him because her mother thought he would never amount to anything.

Take the time to look at these gems of wisdom from good old Charles Schultz………….wonderful. – These were truly wonderful times when things were based more on common sense.

MEMORIES

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Starter on the floorboard.
• Only one brake light on the left rear.
• Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes.
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels. If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 8 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers
17. Little wax bottles with sweet liquid
18. Aluminum foil on the rabbit ears.

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16     =     You’re older than dirt!!!     THAT’S ME!!!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .
Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends