Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “It’s Adam ‘s suit.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year-old Angie, and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments and they were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

Live life one day at a time and make it a masterpiece!

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older too

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. – Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. – Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. – Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. – Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass. – Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller

Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.

The Polish Golf Club Championship

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship
and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep
valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into
the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the
hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but
there’s a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed
each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.
They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist
golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle
of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, “We had better get a ruling from a tournament
official to straighten this out.” “This is the Polish Country Club
Championships and
we don’t want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong
ball.” “After all, we are tied for the lead.”

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf
balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

“Which one of you is playing the orange ball?

The Dreaded Phone Call….

My boss phoned me today.  He asked,  “Is everything OK at the office?”;

I said “It’s all under control.  It’s been very busy,  I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”;

“Can you do me a favor” he asked.

I said “Of course, What is it?”;

“Pick up the pace a little.  I’m in the foursome behind you.”

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this @#%!ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR @#%!ing BADGE!”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.” 

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one huge clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So, he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s a communal clock of all the politicians. We decided to use it as a fan.”

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note… After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone… 

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…”I can see your feet. We’re outta bread be back in five minutes.”

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina. The South Carolina Wage &
 Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help 
and sent an agent out to interview him. 
”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded 
the Agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for
 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. 
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus 
free room and board. There’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours 
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
 He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
 of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer.