A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba…

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, because I just shot and killed them both” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

***********************

GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

**************************

INSTRUCTIONS
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery, and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best; and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

**************************

AGING
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say: “You don’t look that old.”

**************************

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

**************************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

**************************

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

**************************

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

**************************

First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper… it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.

**************************

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- Walmart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

**************************

(And this final one especially for me,) “Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you, stick around a while it will!

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. 

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock. 

“The starting pay is $40,000.  Later it can go up to $80,000.”  “Great.  I’ll start later.” 

Trust science.  Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either. 

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough. 

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?” 

“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.” “Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really?” “Yep.  No teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.” 

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5. 

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like.  If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield. 

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says. 

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.” 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. 

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere. 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along.  I’m self-employed.  We’re having a meeting. 

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine. 

I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky. 

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me? 

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep.  He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. 

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud. 

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn. 

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.  They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.  He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”  “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

 It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

 I would not make up this stuff, trust me.

😊

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…

But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.  My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,  either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires !

Short quotes about time

1. “The future starts today, not tomorrow.” —Pope John Paul II

2. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”  —Anthony G. Oettinger

3. “Seize the day, then let it go.” —Marty Rubin

4. “The most precious resource we all have is time.” —Steve Jobs 

5. “Time is the longest distance between two places.” —Tennessee Williams

6. “The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.” —Lord Chesterfield

7. “Own time or time will own you.” —Brian Norgard

8. “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” —Michael Altshuler

9. “Life isn’t a matter of milestones but of moments.” —Rose Kennedy

10. “Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream.” —Khalil Gibran

11. “You can’t turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.” —Bonnie Prudden

12. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” —Abraham Lincoln

13. “Time does not change us. It just unfolds us.” —Max Frisch

14. “Time is a game played beautifully by children.” —Heraclitus

15. “Life, if well lived, is long enough.” —Seneca

If you have the time, read these gratitude quotes that will remind you to be thankful every single day.

Inspirational quotes about time

16. “Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep t, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.” —Harvey Mackay

17. “One day you’re 17 and you’re planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.” —John Green

18. “Although we try to control it in a million different ways, the only things you can ever really do to time are enjoy it or waste it. That’s it.” —A.J. Compton 

19. “No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.” —Haruki Murakami

20. “The present time has one advantage over every other—it is our own.” —Charles Caleb Colton

21. “The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered is to miss the train before.” —G.K. Chesterton

22. “We love to buy books because we believe we’re buying the time to read them.” —Warren Zevon

23. “There’s only one thing more precious than our time, and that’s who we spend it on.” —Leo Christopher

24. “The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.” —Niccolò Machiavelli

25. “Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.” —George Bernard Shaw

26. “There’s never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.” —Jack Bergman

27. “You have got to own your days and live them, each one of them, every one of them, or else the years go by and none of them belong to you.” —Herb Gardner

28. “Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.” —Art Buchwald

Famous quotes about time

29. “The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.”  —C.S. Lewis

30. “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don’t have time’ is to say ‘I don’t want to.’” —Laozi

31. “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.” —Coco Chanel

32. “Time flies over us but leaves its shadow behind.” —Nathaniel Hawthorne

33. “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” —Marthe Troly-Curtin

34. “Time does not pass; it continues.” —Marty Rubin

35. “We must use time as a tool, not as a couch.” —John F. Kennedy

36. “How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness, how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” —Dr. Seuss

37. “Time is a brisk wind, for each hour it brings something new.” —Paracelsus

38. “It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” —The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

39. “Time is an equal opportunity employer. Each human being has exactly the same number of hours and minutes every day. Rich people can’t buy more hours. Scientists can’t invent new minutes. And you can’t save time to spend it on another day. Even so, time is amazingly fair and forgiving. No matter how much time you’ve wasted in the past, you still have an entire tomorrow.” —Denis Waitley

Funny quotes about time

40. “Time is a great healer but a poor beautician.” —Lucille S. Harper

41. “Time is a waste of money.” —Oscar Wilde

42. “Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.” —Jean-Paul Sartre

43. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams

44. “Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of $75 per hour for it without necessarily fixing anything.” —

45. “Never waste any time you can spend sleeping.” —Frank H. Knight

46. “So little time and so little to do.” —Oscar Levant

47. “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” —Bill Watterson

48. “Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.” —Frank Dane

49. “No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” —Groucho Marx

50. “I am definitely going to take a course on time management … just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.” —Louis E. Boone

• When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
• To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
• When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
• Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
• Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.
• I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
• I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
• Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
• If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
• When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
• Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
• I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
• I run like the winded.
• I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
• When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
• I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
• When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
• I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
• When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
• It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
• Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
• That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
• Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
• The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

1. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
2. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. 
3. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. 
4. Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. 
5. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around. 
6. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. 
7. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars. 
8. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 
9. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band. 
10. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 
11. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. 
12. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. 
13. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.