Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine. 

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues.  I don’t even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns.  I replied, “you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?” I am now blocked

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers … if you do find one, what’s your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat. 

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.  It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people. 

Covid-19 Fact:  87% of gym members didn’t even know their gym is closed.  

I never make the same mistake twice.  I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

My train of thought derailed.  There were no survivors. 

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn, and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer.  There’s no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I’m either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony.  I’ll decide in the car.

I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s an extra passenger who isn’t wearing a seat belt.  

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite.  Apparently, you can’t do this in Starbucks.  And now the cops are here.

Do not vaccinate health care workers first.  If it fails, we’re all in trouble.  Vaccinate the politicians first.  If we lose a few of them, it won’t matter.

In the 1980’s I fell off my bike and skinned my knee.  I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine.  I aged like milk … I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze:  If you’re going to happen, happen.  Don’t just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.  Nine horrible, worthless, bacon-less years.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius.  But his brother Frank was a monster. M

I still have a full deck… I just shuffle slower.

Those who have followed my blog know that Thomas Jefferson rates with me as one of the greatest men our country was blessed to have. That said it is sometimes easy to forget just how great Jefferson was but the following chronology gives a brief view. One indication of that is the quote from John Kennedy.

Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

At 5, began studying under his cousin’s tutor.

At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages

At 16, entered the College of William and Mary. Also could write in Greek with one hand while writing the same in Latin with the other.

At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

At 23, started his own law practice.

At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

At 31, wrote the widely circulated “Summary View of the Rights of British America” and retired from his law practice.

At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence.

At 33, took three years to revise Virginia’s legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

At 40, served in Congress for two years.

At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of the Republican Party.

At 57, was elected the third president of the United States.

At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation’s size.

At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

At 65, retired to Monticello.

At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams.

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government.  He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuff.

A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time.  He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 

‘What are my choices?’ John asked. 

‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 

‘Yes or no,’ she replied. 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 

Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’ 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ 

The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’ 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. 

The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him, and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ 

The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’ 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 

1) You can’t count your hair. 

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap. 

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out. 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool. 

Ten (10) Things I know about you. 

1) You are reading this. 

2) You are human. 

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips. 

4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot! 

6) You are laughing at yourself, 

7) You have a smile on your face, and you skipped No. 5. 

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person & everyone does it too. 

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. 

You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot fool category. “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students : This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?

Then, one of the students from the back rows said: “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said “You got an A.”

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her..

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you.

I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I take a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem for us, you might want to say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.

“Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball”