Number 9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2
In the ’60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

And as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long”.

The Polish Golf Club Championship

Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship
and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep
valley descending down to a dogleg right.

Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into
the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the
hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but
there’s a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.

Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed
each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number.
They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist
golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle
of the fairway.

Stosh looks at Milo and says, “We had better get a ruling from a tournament
official to straighten this out.” “This is the Polish Country Club
Championships and
we don’t want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong
ball.” “After all, we are tied for the lead.”

Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf
balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,

“Which one of you is playing the orange ball?

The Dreaded Phone Call….

My boss phoned me today.  He asked,  “Is everything OK at the office?”;

I said “It’s all under control.  It’s been very busy,  I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.”;

“Can you do me a favor” he asked.

I said “Of course, What is it?”;

“Pick up the pace a little.  I’m in the foursome behind you.”

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this @#%!ing badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR @#%!ing BADGE!”

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”

St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.” 

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one huge clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So, he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s a communal clock of all the politicians. We decided to use it as a fan.”

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note… After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone… 

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…”I can see your feet. We’re outta bread be back in five minutes.”

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina. The South Carolina Wage &
 Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help 
and sent an agent out to interview him. 
”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”, demanded 
the Agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for
 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. 
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus 
free room and board. There’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours 
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
 He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
 of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…..the half-wit”, says the Agent.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba…

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, because I just shot and killed them both” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

***********************

GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

**************************

INSTRUCTIONS
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery, and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best; and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

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AGING
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say: “You don’t look that old.”

**************************

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

**************************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

**************************

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

**************************

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

**************************

First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper… it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.

**************************

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- Walmart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

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(And this final one especially for me,) “Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you, stick around a while it will!

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive.  Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. 

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock. 

“The starting pay is $40,000.  Later it can go up to $80,000.”  “Great.  I’ll start later.” 

Trust science.  Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either. 

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough. 

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons, and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?” 

“I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.” “Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really?” “Yep.  No teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.” 

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5. 

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like.  If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield. 

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says. 

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.” 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. 

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere. 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along.  I’m self-employed.  We’re having a meeting. 

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine. 

I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky. 

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me? 

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep.  He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. 

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud. 

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn. 

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?