A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read “Angus MacPherson died.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read…………… “Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale.”

The Dreaded Phone Call from the Boss

Boss: Is everything OK at the office?

Me: It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.

Boss: Can you do me a favor?

Me: Of course, What is it?

Boss: Pick up the pace a little, I’m in the foursome behind you!

1.  Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2.  What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3.  A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

4.  Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

5.  How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

6.  I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

7.  When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.

8.  Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

9.  Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

10.  I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

11.  I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

12.  What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

13.  I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

14.  What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.

15.  I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before; and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

Butch, The Rooster.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets (a young hen) and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.  Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! 

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

(If you don’t send this on, you’re a chicken…… no yolk.)

In a train from London to Manchester, a somewhat oafish American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you
above the rest of us.

Look at me… I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?”

The Englishman slowly lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied,

“How terribly sporting of your mother”.

 

3rd Dose concerns!!!! Just received this!

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.

 A friend had his 3rd booster dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which on his way home he began to have blurred vision.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice as to whether he should call his doctor or report to hospital.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

Sent in larger type just in case this happens to you!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. ‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. ‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’ ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’ The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’