Warning – These are NOT as easy as they appear to be. 1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.…..What was the third child’s name? 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…..What does he weigh? 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,…..what was the highest mountain in the world? 4. How much dirt is there in a hole….that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? 5. What word in the English language…..is always spelled incorrectly? 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer……How is this possible? 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…..Why not? 8. What was the President’s name in 1975?  9. If you were running a race…..and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? 10. Which is correct to say……“The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”? 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field ……how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Here are the Answers   1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name? Answer: Johnny of course 2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat. 3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?] 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four fee? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole. 5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures. 8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Joe Biden [Oh, come on … ] 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first. 10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!] 11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That’s the point of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end

What an interesting turn of events regardless of the location: This is one jury I wouldn’t mind being on! Should this case go to the U.S. Supreme Court? You be the Judge.

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church…… “was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how the heck I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer…. and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperature

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day !

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so, they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Shawn.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.  I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.”

The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas although still silent, it stinks terribly.”

“Good”, the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.”

Montana Meals on Wheels!