Minneapolis, MN (AP) -A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Hennepin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no,… I never did dance… Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no m’am… But i’ve always wanted to.

There are a few lessons here for all of us:

1 – never be arrogant.
2 – don’t waste ammunition.
3 – whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old people; they didn’t get old by being stupid. .

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.  He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.  The 80-year-old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well.  the only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par-four 18th, they were all even.  The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and was in range to two-putt for his par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup.  Birdie, match, and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

Replied the octogenarian, “I do. Would you please give me a hand?”

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.  

The Father says…., ‘Top o’ the Mornin’ to ye!  Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’ 

She replied…., ‘Aye, that ye did, Father!’  

The Father asked…., ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’ 

She replied…., ‘No, not yet, Father!’  

Then Father said….,’Well now, I be goin to Rome next week, and I’ll light a Fertility Candle for Ye and yer Hoosband!’  

She replied…, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…!’  They then parted ways. 

Some years later they met again!

The Father asked…, ‘Well now, Mrs.  Donovan, how are ye these days?’ 

She replied…, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’  

The Father asked…, ‘And tell me, have ye any Wee ones yet?’  

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!  Two sets of twins and six singles,  Ten in all!’ 

The Father said…, ‘That’s wonderful!   And how is yer loving Hoosband doing?’  

She replied…, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ Candle!!

Lives like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending. We’ve done just what we set out to do. Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers and you. – Kermit the Frog

Bad days happen to everyone, but when one happens to you, just keep doing your best and never let a bad day make you feel bad about yourself. – Big Bird

Who care if me eat carrot or collard greens? Me also like broccoli and lettuce and lima beans. Me still Cookie Monster. That not a sham. – Cookie Monster

Friend something better than chocolate ice cream… Maybe friend somebody you give up last cookie for. – Cookie Monster

Everyone makes mistakes, so why can’t you? – Big Bird

Where there is life, there is hope. – Grover

I’m glad to be the way I am. I’m happy to be me! – Big Bird

Elmo thinks it’s important to be kind because if you’re kind to somebody, then they’ll be kind to somebody, and it goes on and on and on. – Elmo

If you keep practicing, you can do anything. – Elmo

Here’s some simple advice: Always be yourself. Never take yourself too seriously. And beware of advice from experts, pigs and members of Parliament. – Kermit the Frog

Just because you haven’t found your talent yet, doesn’t mean you don’t have one. – Kermit the Frog

It’s good to be alive. – Cookie Monster

Everyone seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria! — Calvin, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on expectations

You can’t hurry love or pizza. Especially pizza. — Snoopy, from “Peanuts,” on love

Just remember… if things look hopeless, maybe you’re facing the wrong direction! — Ziggy, from “Ziggy,” on having the right attitude

Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon. — Charlie Brown, from “Peanuts,” on pacing

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.

Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers. — Calvin and Hobbes, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on the tragicomedy of life

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘What can I do to keep my life from going by so fast?’ Then a voice comes to me that says, “Try slowing down at the corners.” — Charlie Brown, from “Peanuts,” on the speed of life

I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to really re-examine your life. — Calvin, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on finding the joys in life

Life is like a hot bath: It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get. — Garfield the cat, from “Garfield,” on the experience of life and living

The problem with people is that they’re only human. — Hobbes, from “Calvin & Hobbes,” on the limitations of humanity

Most psychiatrists agree that sitting in a pumpkin patch is excellent therapy for a troubled mind. — Linus Van Pelt, from “Peanuts,” on an easy way to clear the mind

They say the best way is just to live one day at a time. If you try to live seven days at a time, the week will be over before you know it. — Sally Brown, from “Peanuts,” on living in the moment