SMART ASS ANSWER #6 

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 

‘What are my choices?’ John asked. 

‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 

‘Yes or no,’ she replied. 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 

Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’ 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ 

The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’ 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. 

The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him, and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ 

The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’ 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 

1) You can’t count your hair. 

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap. 

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out. 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool. 

Ten (10) Things I know about you. 

1) You are reading this. 

2) You are human. 

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips. 

4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot! 

6) You are laughing at yourself, 

7) You have a smile on your face, and you skipped No. 5. 

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. 

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person & everyone does it too. 

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. 

You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot fool category. “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.

Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread.

This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor asked the students : This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?

Then, one of the students from the back rows said: “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!”

The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said “You got an A.”

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her..

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate…and true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you.

I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.  So, before I take a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.  If that’s going to be a problem for us, you might want to say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.

“Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball”

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.

The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read “Angus MacPherson died.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read…………… “Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale.”

The Dreaded Phone Call from the Boss

Boss: Is everything OK at the office?

Me: It’s all under control. It’s been a very busy day. I haven’t stopped to take a break all day.

Boss: Can you do me a favor?

Me: Of course, What is it?

Boss: Pick up the pace a little, I’m in the foursome behind you!

1.  Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2.  What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3.  A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

4.  Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

5.  How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

6.  I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

7.  When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.

8.  Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

9.  Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

10.  I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

11.  I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

12.  What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

13.  I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

14.  What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.

15.  I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.