A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before; and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good – she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate us old guys.

Butch, The Rooster.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets (a young hen) and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.  This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.  Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! 

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show, and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can’t always hear the bells.

(If you don’t send this on, you’re a chicken…… no yolk.)

In a train from London to Manchester, a somewhat oafish American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you
above the rest of us.

Look at me… I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?”

The Englishman slowly lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied,

“How terribly sporting of your mother”.

 

3rd Dose concerns!!!! Just received this!

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.

 A friend had his 3rd booster dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which on his way home he began to have blurred vision.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice as to whether he should call his doctor or report to hospital.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

Sent in larger type just in case this happens to you!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.  One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. ‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’ She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’ The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. ‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. ‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’ ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’ The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’ ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

Warning – These are NOT as easy as they appear to be. 1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.…..What was the third child’s name? 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…..What does he weigh? 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,…..what was the highest mountain in the world? 4. How much dirt is there in a hole….that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? 5. What word in the English language…..is always spelled incorrectly? 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer……How is this possible? 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…..Why not? 8. What was the President’s name in 1975?  9. If you were running a race…..and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? 10. Which is correct to say……“The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”? 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field ……how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Here are the Answers   1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name? Answer: Johnny of course 2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat. 3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?] 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four fee? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole. 5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures. 8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Joe Biden [Oh, come on … ] 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first. 10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!] 11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That’s the point of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end