Meet Walter Barnes.

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 

“Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. 

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?” 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes.” Then he calmly returned to his seat.

Thank GOD there’s a name for this disorder. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first…But then I think,

Since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to. Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

P.S.I don’t remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I’m sorry

Vic stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.. Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What  the heck is taking so long?’ ‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Vic explained. ‘I want to make a perfect shot.’  His companion said, ‘You don’t have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.’

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at MCDONALDS. “My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another, “My cataracts are so bad; can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you”, said one elderly lady.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully, “Thank God we can all still drive.”

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:

• Metal
• Wood
• Stone

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

 

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.