Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The Captain replied, “If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man’s man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”

 

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

Read until the end … you’ll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in  the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old  car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at  night?

U    P   ! 

Did that one crack you UP?

Don’t screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book, or not . . . it’s UP to you.

Now I’ll shut  UP!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not  to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’ He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was  pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is under your pillow.’

One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”The golfer replied that his club had fallen into

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

That is the truth!

• As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.
• I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
• Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.
• My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
• It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
• I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
• As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
• Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore. . ..  I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” My Trainer: “It was one sit-up.”
• As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
• I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
• If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
• Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
• I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.
• God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
• I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
• I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
• My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
• Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
• Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
• She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
• So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChicken’s all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.  Are you kidding me?
• Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
• There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest

Things are getting complicated in the gender field these days. Here’s a handy guide.  Hope it helps clarify things for you.

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.

1)  Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2)  Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.  It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3)  A Tire is Male because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.

4)  A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

5)  Sponges are Female because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

6)  A Web Page is Female because it’s always getting hit on.

7)  A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9)  A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

10)  A Remote Control is Female.  Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you?  But consider this – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

These were actually on the men’s room wall at the Sportsman’s Cafe in Carlos, Minnesota :

First:

Those who write on shit house walls roll their shit in little balls.

Those who read those bits of wit eat those little balls of shit.

Second:

Here I sit all broken hearted …

Tried to shit and only farted!