There was a middle-aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

“This is great,” he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a State Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. “I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing,” and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Patrol to catch up with him.

The State Patrol officer pulled in behind the Mercedes and the officer walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The man looked back at the State Patrol and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a State Patrol officer, and I thought you were bringing her back!”

The State Patrol said, “Have a nice day!”

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.  Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
   1. The ones that learn by reading.
   2. The few who learn by observation.
   3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    1. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

About Growing Older…

First – Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second – The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third – Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth – When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth – You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth – I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh – One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth – One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth – Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth – Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it’s called golf.

And, finally If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M  A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Don’t let them take your temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub It’s a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I’ve done the math. Seems I died in 1537.

I got myself a seniors’ GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I’ve missed my exit.