Minneapolis, MN (AP) -A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Hennepin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone….

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, “hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “no,… I never did dance… Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector — not wanting to get her toe blown off –started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no m’am… But i’ve always wanted to.

There are a few lessons here for all of us:

1 – never be arrogant.
2 – don’t waste ammunition.
3 – whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old people; they didn’t get old by being stupid. .

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.  He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.  He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.  The 80-year-old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well.  the only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.”

And he did play well.  Coming to the par-four 18th, they were all even.  The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and was in range to two-putt for his par.  The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.  Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup.  Birdie, match, and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap.  He said, “nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

Replied the octogenarian, “I do. Would you please give me a hand?”

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.  

The Father says…., ‘Top o’ the Mornin’ to ye!  Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’ 

She replied…., ‘Aye, that ye did, Father!’  

The Father asked…., ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’ 

She replied…., ‘No, not yet, Father!’  

Then Father said….,’Well now, I be goin to Rome next week, and I’ll light a Fertility Candle for Ye and yer Hoosband!’  

She replied…, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…!’  They then parted ways. 

Some years later they met again!

The Father asked…, ‘Well now, Mrs.  Donovan, how are ye these days?’ 

She replied…, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’  

The Father asked…, ‘And tell me, have ye any Wee ones yet?’  

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!  Two sets of twins and six singles,  Ten in all!’ 

The Father said…, ‘That’s wonderful!   And how is yer loving Hoosband doing?’  

She replied…, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ Candle!!