Q. Why was Billy fired from the banana shop?

A. He wouldn’t stop throwing away the bent ones.

Q. What type of school requires you to drop out to graduate?

A. Sky diving school.

Q. branch of the military accepts newborns?

A. The infantry.

Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?

A. Sue.

Q. What’s the king of all school supplies?

A. The ruler.

Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

A. Dam.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, 
Raised a glass of water and asked; 
’How heavy is this glass of water?’

The attendees began to guess. 8 oz? 12? 16?

The lecturer replied, ‘the absolute weight doesn’t matter. 
It depends on how long you try to hold it. 
If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. 
If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. 
If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. 
In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’

He continued, 
’and that’s the way it is with stress management. 
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, 
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy, 
We won’t be able to carry on.

‘As with the glass of water, 
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. 
When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. 
’So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work or whatever is bothering you down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, 
Let them down for a moment if you can. 
’so, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. 
Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.’

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always wear stuff that will make you look good 
if you die in the middle of it..
• Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be 
”Recalled” by their maker.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, 
it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, 
because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. 
Just get up and dance.
• When everything’s coming your way, 
you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. 
The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, 
but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

That morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday,’ and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday. ‘I thought…. well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, “Good morning, pretty lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!” I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, “It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.  Let’s go!”

We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally would go.  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Rick said, ‘”t’s such a beautiful day; we don’t need to go straight back to  the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not.  What do you have in mind?”

He said, “Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner”.

After arriving at his house Rick turned to me and said, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the  bedroom for just a moment.  I’ll be right back.”

“Ok,” I nervously replied.  He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes he came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my husband, my kids, my parents, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers all singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

And I just sat there…on the couch….

Not really feeling much like talking . . .

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church, The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How  can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook.  In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy — for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

That’s Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.  Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”
When you’re having a good day and then you realise tomorrow is Monday.