The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and consider the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m takin’ Earlene with me.”

One Tough Hombre

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie. With the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales…

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattlerslid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.”

Old Jack, the cowboy from North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

If you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!

A young United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him clean off the platform. The professor was down & out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,

“What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine stood up and calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!

“It doesn’t matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.’ – John Rohan

“Life is about choices. Some we regret, some we’re proud of. Some will haunt us forever. The message: we are what we chose to be.” – Graham Browning 

“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.” Garrison Keillor

“One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes … and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” – Lou Holtz

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” 

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.” – Mark Twain

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” – Doug Larson

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.”- Plato

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“The answers I remember longest are the ones that answer questions that I didn’t think of asking.” – Jonathan Kozol

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” – Lewis Carroll

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” – Denis Whitley

“I never worry about the problem. I worry about the solution.” – Shaquille O’Neal

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

“If you think you are too small to make an impact, try spending the night in room with a mosquito “.  African Proverb

“Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try our best.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer`

“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E. Frankl

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please” – Mark Twain

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Henry David Thoreau

“I never did give anybody hell. I just told them the truth and they thought it was hell.” – Harry S. Truman

“Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.”  – Ernest Hemingway

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he is not the same Man” – Heraclitus

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” – Lao Tzu

“The path of least resistance is rarely the path of Wisdom.”