Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degres west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven.

“Welcome,” St. Peter said. “You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket.”

That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere.

Jake stepped on one right away.

The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman. “I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished,” St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.

Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. “As your punishment,” St. Peter told Johnny, “you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity.”

Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by.

Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time.

“Wow!” exclaimed Billy. “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck.”

Six great confusions still unresolved

1. At a movie theater, which ‘arm rest’ is yours?
2. In the word scent, is “S”  silent or “C”?
3. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
4. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
6. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn’t the opposite of progress be…congress?

Vagaries of English Language!-

• Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
• Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
• How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
• If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
• How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
• Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
• Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
• Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
• Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
• How come Noses run and Feet smell?
• Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
• What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

We can never find the answers, can we? So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language!!

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…… Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
34. Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?

The key to what appears to be a conundrum in today’s Day Brightener is – The trick is to understand that 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/9 was not equal to 1 in the first place.

Get your thinking caps on (there is an explanation why this works)

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.  When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; 

My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; 

My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.  So, they decided to go to a farmer friend whom they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the  total to 18 horses.

Farmer math:   Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s Will.

 Half of 18 = 9.  So he gave the eldest son 9 horses. 

1/3rd of 18 = 6.  So he gave the middle son 6 horses. 

1/9th of 18 = 2.  So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son  9.

Middle son  6. 

Youngest son 2.

TOTAL IS 17

Now this leaves one horse left over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm. Problem Solved!

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said,

-“Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”

St. Peter said, -“Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, -“Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”

St. Peter said, -“Noooooo,” and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, -“So, tell me.”

She said, -“Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder …”

St. Peter smiled and said, -“Verrrrrry good.”

Then the blonde continued, -“Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted.

The Beatles split 52 yrs ago.

The TV show Laugh In premiered nearly 54 yrs ago.

The movie Wizard of Oz is 82 yrs old.

Elvis is dead 44 yrs He’d be 86 today.

Michael Jackson’s Thriller video is 38 yrs old.

Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin dead 51 yrs.

John Lennon dead 41 yrs.

Mickey Mantle retired 53 yrs ago.

The movie Back To The Future is 37 yrs old.

The movie Saturday Night Fever is 44 yrs old.

The Ed Sullivan show ended 49 yrs ago.

The Brady Bunch TV show premiered 52 yrs ago.

The triplets on the TV show My Three Sons are now 52 yrs old.

Tabitha from the TV show Bewitched is 57 yrs old.

The Corvette turned 68 yrs old this year.

The Mustang is 57.