THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.

So, they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”

When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”

“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.” “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’

“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians!”

1. These greens are so fast that all I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ PGA Hall of Famer Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Sports Writer Jim Murray*
4. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Actor Kevin Costner
6. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Tom Weiskopf
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Football QB Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

 

Retirement.  sunshine, convertible.  what else do we need?
DON’T LAUGH, THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.Biker and His Babe……

This is what happens when your kids take away your car keys!!!!!

Finding Serenity – A Classic
This is a little deep for me, but some of you will be able to adapt the concept and achieve your own inner peace…

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
 If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

 Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ….

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother —540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18  inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.  The second guy said, “We seem to be about evenly matched; how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course, and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Priest at the nearby Catholic church.

The pro was flustered and apologetic and immediately offered to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.  Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Darn, lady, you played that perfectly.” The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

While the source of today’s blog is a little different, I do want to thank Rabbi Mendy Levertov.

One Yom Kippur, a rabbi attempting to stir up a sleepy crowd decided to deliver the provocative message that one day, everyone in the congregation would die. As the room fell silent and congregants marinated in this uncomfortable truth, one man in the front row started laughing loudly. The rabbi, rattled at the moment of his apparent success, stopped and asked the man, “What’s so funny? Didn’t you hear what I said? Everyone in the congregation will die

The man, still laughing, replied, “Yes, Rabbi, but I’m not a member!”

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