Day Brightener -Footballisms A Lot Of Good Laughs!! 

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football”…. 
– John Heisman, first football coach at Rice

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” 
– Bear Bryant / Alabama 

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” 
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern 

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” 
–  Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame 

“When you win, nothing hurts.” 
–  Joe Namath / Alabama 

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall” 
–  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame 

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” 
–  Woody Hayes / Ohio State 

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” 
–  Bob Devaney / Nebraska 

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” 
–  Wally Butts / Georgia 

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” 
–  Alex Karras / Iowa 

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” 
–  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee 

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

“Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.” 
– Shug Jordan / Auburn 

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me ” He said, “Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.” 
–    Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State/Dallas Cowboys 

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” 
–  Bobby Bowden / Florida State 

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.”   – 
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; “All those who need showers, take them.” 
–  John McKay / USC 

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” 
–  Murray Warmath / Minnesota 

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” 
–  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” 
–  Darrell Royal / Texas 

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” 
–  John McKay / USC 

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” 
–  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 


“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a 
lot of words.” 
– Ohio State’s Urban Meyer 
 

Day Brightener – Feeling Old ? These Should Bring Back Some Memories

The Beatles split 52 yrs. ago.

The TV show Laugh In premiered nearly 54 yrs. ago.

The movie Wizard of Oz is 82 yrs. old.

Elvis is dead 44 yrs. He’d be 86 today.

Michael Jackson’s Thriller video is 38 yrs. old.

Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin dead 51 yrs.

John Lennon dead 41 yrs.

Mickey Mantle retired 53 yrs. ago.

The movie Back to The Future is 37 yrs. old.

The movie Saturday Night Fever is 44 yrs. old.

The Ed Sullivan show ended 49 yrs. ago.

The Brady Bunch TV show premiered 52 yrs. ago.

The triplets on the TV show My Three Sons are now 52 yrs. old.

Tabitha from the TV show Bewitched is 57 yrs. old.

The Corvette turned 68 yrs. old this year.

The Mustang is 57.

Day Brightener – An Oldie But Goodie, Hell Explained By A Chemistry Student.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and consider the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Day Brightener – Two Short Vignettes To Start Your Day

Hill BillyBilly Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m takin’ Earlene with me.”

CowboyOne Tough Hombre

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie. With the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales…

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattlerslid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.”

Old Jack, the cowboy from North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Day Brightener – GOD Was Busy

GodIf you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!

A young United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him clean off the platform. The professor was down & out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,

“What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine stood up and calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!