“It doesn’t matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.’ – John Rohan

“Life is about choices. Some we regret, some we’re proud of. Some will haunt us forever. The message: we are what we chose to be.” – Graham Browning 

“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.” Garrison Keillor

“One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes … and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” – Lou Holtz

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” 

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.” – Mark Twain

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” – Doug Larson

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.”- Plato

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“The answers I remember longest are the ones that answer questions that I didn’t think of asking.” – Jonathan Kozol

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” – Lewis Carroll

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” – Denis Whitley

“I never worry about the problem. I worry about the solution.” – Shaquille O’Neal

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

“If you think you are too small to make an impact, try spending the night in room with a mosquito “.  African Proverb

“Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try our best.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer`

“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E. Frankl

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please” – Mark Twain

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Henry David Thoreau

“I never did give anybody hell. I just told them the truth and they thought it was hell.” – Harry S. Truman

“Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.”  – Ernest Hemingway

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he is not the same Man” – Heraclitus

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” – Lao Tzu

“The path of least resistance is rarely the path of Wisdom.”

A  police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80  miles per hour , sir .” The driver says,  “Gee, officer, I had it on  cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting his wife says:  “Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have  cruise control”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

“Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?”

His wife smiles demurely and says,  “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the  illegal  radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

“Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says,  “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine. “

The driver says,  “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. ”

His wife says,  “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,    “WILL  YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? “

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,  “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? ”

(You will love this part)

“Only when he’s been drinking!”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still, they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays’
Red Skelton

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
Sam Kinison

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
Anonymous

Send This To All The Guys To Give Them A Good Laugh. And Then To Those Special Ladies With A Great Sense Of Humor.

‘The Villages’ Dating Ads You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages”  Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don’t have a  sense of humor?

FOXY  LADY
Sexy,  fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,  fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

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SERENITY NOW
I  am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

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WINNING  SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, Corn on the cob and caramel candy.

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BEATLES  OR STONES
I  still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on  Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s  get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

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MEMORIES
I  can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

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MINT CONDITION
Male,  1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

——————————————————

AND FINALLY
A  lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.  She asked him if he was new to the community and he said: “no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years”. She then said, “I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!”. He then said, “I have been in prison for the last 17 years!”. She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long pause, she said… So you’re SINGLE???

————————————————————

Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.—George Carlin
8. 8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke

One word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition:  UP

This two-letter English word has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened because it is stopped UP.

We open a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

UP
Did that one crack you UP?