A passenger in a taxi reached forward and gently tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, nearly veered into the ditch and came to a stop just short of a building.

The shaking driver said are you OK? I am so sorry, you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger said “I’m sorry, I did not realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone that much.

The driver said “No No it is me that is sorry. It is entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I spent 25 years driving a hearse.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!
******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?'” Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
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Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
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Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription …. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!
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A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
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There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
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Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!”
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COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
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When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT – what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
******

A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake! “

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.

So, they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”

When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”

“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.” “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’

“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians!”

1. These greens are so fast that all I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ PGA Hall of Famer Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Sports Writer Jim Murray*
4. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Actor Kevin Costner
6. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Tom Weiskopf
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Football QB Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

 

Retirement.  sunshine, convertible.  what else do we need?
DON’T LAUGH, THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.Biker and His Babe……

This is what happens when your kids take away your car keys!!!!!

Finding Serenity – A Classic
This is a little deep for me, but some of you will be able to adapt the concept and achieve your own inner peace…

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
 If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

 Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ….

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother —540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18  inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.  The second guy said, “We seem to be about evenly matched; how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.  As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course, and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Priest at the nearby Catholic church.

The pro was flustered and apologetic and immediately offered to return the money.

The Priest said, “You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you.  You keep your winnings.”

The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”