I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought…“Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. 

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of ..  it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you …. I took her to Subway.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. “I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation.

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.

And what about the third rose?” she asked.

“That’s from a man in the burn unit – he wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

Some “Intellectual” musings to ponder

I had amnesia once — or twice.
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Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
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I am neither for nor against apathy.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
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One nice thing about egotists … they don’t talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height … which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.
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The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
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How can there be self-help groups?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
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Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker stepped up next to me, grabbed my drink and gulped it down in one swig. “Well, what are you gonna do about it?” he said, menacingly?

I looked at him and suddenly burst into tears. Oh, come on, man,” the biker said, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man…and then, my dog bit me “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole darn thing!”

“But, enough about me. How are you doing?”

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the Alabama hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a stroke o’ some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither..”

Louisiana
A Louisiana State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-10. Walking up to the driver’s window,

the trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Tennessee
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ ”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

My bucket list:  keep breathing.

Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say:  “close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done. 

I’m a multitasker.  I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time! 

Retirement to-do list:  Wake up.  Nailed it! 

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable. 

Retired:  under new management. See spouse for details.

When you can’t find the sunshine . . . be the sunshine. 

I don’t have grey hair.  I have wisdom-highlights. 

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip ; I do random gravity checks. 

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices.  You are one of them.

One minute you’re young and fun.  The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now, I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

My body is a temple: ancient and crumbling. 

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.