• John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.
• The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
• I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself that’s the last thing I need.
• Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
• Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
• A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reasons Fn, details are sketchy.
• People are making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
• Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you’re donating blood.
• What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.
• What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.
• A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
• I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I’m slowly getting over it.
• What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
• I’ve finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with the emotional baggage.
• If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
• My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
• Don’t let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
• There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?  The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies .. Awards tarnish …  Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money … or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

Pass this on to those people whom you keep close in your heart. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia !”

“Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!”

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?”

The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, “You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do.” said the old man.  “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly… and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”

When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, “Everything appears to be fine.  Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem.  He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time… and then hot and sweaty after the second time.  Do you have any idea why?”

“Oh, that crazy old bastard!”  she replied.  “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in July!”

A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he calls his rabbi friend from across the street and asks him to cover for him.

The rabbi tells him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest tells him to come on over and he’ll stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional After a few minutes a woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”