---

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”

I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped Saturday golf.

While driving home in my golf cart, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

“I’m okay I think.” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” That’s nice of you,” I answered, “But I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.

“We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“My guess is that she’s still in the ditch.”

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Union politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924   Olympic Games

I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!! I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government. 
John Adams (1735 – 1826)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself. 
Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965)

A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

I don’t like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!

Mergatroyd?  Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word, Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?”  He had never heard of the word jalopy!  She knew she was old … But not that old.  Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included: Don’t touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record; and Hung out to dry. 

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.  We’d put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.  Heavens to Betsy!   Gee whillikers!   Jumping Jehoshaphat!  Holy Moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.  Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore. 

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”  Or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!”   We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind.  We blink, and they’re gone.  Where have all those great phrases gone? 

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.  Hey! It’s your nickel.  Don’t forget to pull the chain.  Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!  Going like sixty.  I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.  This can be disturbing stuff!  (Carter’s Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth.  See ya later, alligator!   Okidoki.  You’ll notice they left out ” Monkey Business“!!!

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50’S .. NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN

 

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances…

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

Directions
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle.  “You’re bullshitting me, right?   You don’t even know the way to the Post Office”