The local Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.    

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.    

Mike Jacobs, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda minivan to transport their children!’    

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.    

Sam Cohen, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!’   

More sighs and loud applause.  

 Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex.’   

There is total silence.  

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her:  ‘Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?’   

Agnes’s 90-year-old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: ‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘—k him!’

Two little old ladies, Connie and Jean, were sitting on a park
bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

 The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We
 never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak
 through that stupid, boring flower show”!

 “You’re on!”, said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.

 So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.

 She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between
 her teeth.

 Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can)
 through the front door of the flower show.

 Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
 hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

 Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of
 a cheering, clapping crowd.

 “What happened”? asked Connie

“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”

At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.” “Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?” “Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”. “My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?” “Si, Senor, that’s the one.” 

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”  

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.” “Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?” “Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. ” “Dead horse? What dead horse?” “The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.” “My prize thoroughbred is dead?” “Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.” “Are you insane? What water cart?” “The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?” “The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.” “What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!” “Yes, Senor Rod.” “But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?” “For the funeral, Senor Rod.” “WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod”. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………. LONG SILENCE………VERY LONG SILENCE.

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit.”  

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he said. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life’

‘How can you say such a thing?’ asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, ‘Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!’

‘OH, MY GOD!’ screamed the lawyer.

‘MY ROLEX!!!’

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:   Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?’

”Yes ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down, so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,  killed four more with the knife,  till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher.

‘What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”