When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: “By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today.”

Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right —

My car was gone !

Dear Ma and Pa

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to itch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on ‘route marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different.  A ‘route march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don’t know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don’t even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6 and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8 and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

 Alice

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. (No whining: applies to any Administration.) One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how stimulus plans work.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, because I just shot and killed them both” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

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INSTRUCTIONS
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery, and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best; and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

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AGING
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say: “You don’t look that old.”

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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

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First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper… it’s worse when you forget to pull it down.

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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- Walmart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where was going.” The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.” The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”
(ADORABLE)

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(And this final one especially for me,) “Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

Now, if you feel this doesn’t apply to you, stick around a while it will!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
• FREE PUPPIES  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
• FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
• COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY! – Must sell washer and dryer £100.
• WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.  Worn once by mistake. – Call Stephanie.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century – Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”