A Man walked into a Catholic Church Confessional. He tells the Priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the crap out of a congressman.
The Priest responds: “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service”
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ”Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti
Spaghetti
Spaghetti
Spaghetti
Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.””That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. “
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination. “
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx
Last, but not least: I wish I could buy him for what he’s worth and sell him for what he thinks he’s worth, I could retire!
If you ever wanted to feel like you’re a part of a horror film, definitely hit up the following caves, hikes, and trails that are filled with terror. Below are images collected from the subreddit /r/ScarySigns where users will post actual photographs of signs they’ve found around the world warning them of sickness or death. Below are 15 of the craziest signs that have no problem informing visitors how how they’ll die.
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:”God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”
The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?”
The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy Moley, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. This morning, My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”
At A Chinese Restaurant
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’
The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’
(You’re going to love this, and you’re going to hate yourself for loving it!…)
‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake’……
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoeshine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: – What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Director asks in turn arrogantly: – Why are you so interested in that – that topic?
“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”
What’s your name? Asks the Director? John Smith H.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: Do we have a client named John Smith H.? Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the
board members: We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story: I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from
Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoeshine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
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