An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian  family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face  me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.  Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen, Brother!!

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

BOAT OWNER: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

BOAT OWNER: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older too

I almost retired in Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. Folks are willing to park three blocks away from any destination because they found some shade.
2. People experience condensation on their rear-ends from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. Folks can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave the Phoenix Metro Area.
4. Everyone has over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. Folks know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits them in the face if they open an oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, damn hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

-OR-

I thought about retiring in California where…

1. Folks make over $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.\
2. The fastest part of people’s commute is going down your driveway
3. Everybody knows how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
6. Folks can live on the beach for free (especially in the LA area).  All they need is a shopping cart, a blanket, a bottle of cheap wine, a stray dog, and an old tarp salvaged from a dumpster (in case it rains).

-OR-

I considered retiring in New York City where…

1. Folks say “the city” and expect everyone to know they mean Manhattan.
2. Folks can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. Folks think Central Park is “nature.”
4. Folks believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes them multilingual.
5. Most folks have worn out their car horns…  IF they have a car and a driver’s license!
6. Folks think eye contact is an act of aggression.
7. But, of course, nobody really plans to retire in NYC, they plan on moving to Florida, but die first.

-OR-

I might have retired in New Jersey where…

Nobody retires in ‘Jersey,’ except people from New York City.

-OR-

I could have retired in Duluth, Minnesota where…

1. Folks only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. Everybody has seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and 7 weeks of road repairs.

-OR-

 I thought of retiring in The Deep South where…

1. Folks can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense in court.
4. Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: “in yonder”  or “over yonder”  or “out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

-OR-

I might have moved to Colorado where…

1. Folks carry their $3,000 mountain bikes atop ancient (heavily rusted) $900 Jeep Cherokees.
2. Women tell their husbands to pick up Granola on the way home, so hubby stops at the daycare center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of many male heads are bald, but they still have ponytails.

-OR-

I could have retired in Nebraska where… 

1. Folks never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows everybody’s name.
2. A traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You often have to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. Folks end every sentence with a preposition (e.g., “Where’s my coat at?”)

-OR-

FINALLY, I could have retired in Florida where…

1. Retirees eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon for $2.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. It’s just as hot as Arizona, only they have humidity.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
6. If you’re 65 they consider you a youngster.
7. When you vote for a president you generally are not around for the second term.
8. Where you thought you would get away from all the assholes in NY and NJ.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy,  it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

“The world could be divided between those who take hard things and make them easy and those who take easy things and make them harder.”

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

 When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A one-foot putt … who the hell misses a one-foot putt?