ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 

COMMITTEE: A body that takes minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie when the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell one person at a time.

TOMORROW: One of the most labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

1. THINGY  (thing-ee)  n.
Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2.  VULNERABLE  (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION  (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-  mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT   (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female – A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE  (flach-u-lens) n.
Female – An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE   (may-king luv) n.
Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL  (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said – I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said – You wear pants, don’t you?

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said – Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said – Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said – Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks
and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error
in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire
career”.

I spent last evening in the emergency room.  I got bored at home after golf, so I decided to take off and go horseback riding.  Something I haven’t done in a while…. maybe never.  It turned out to be a big mistake.  I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then went a little faster and before I knew it, I was going as fast as the horse could go.  I couldn’t take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse still going full speed.  It just wouldn’t stop.

Thankfully the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine.  He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn’t attempt to ride the elephant.

Hope you’re not too bored, 😉🐎🐘

  – I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited.

 – We are just two to three weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.

 – All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!

 – All I can think about now when I’m watching any TV show or movie is how everyone is standing WAY too close together.

– I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe!

 – The Department of Health is looking to hire couples married seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.

 – Quarantine Day 16. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.

 – Grocery shopping has become a real life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take 

 – So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood.

 – This is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded. Geez.

 – My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way? “There are no winners.

 – When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” …YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

 – Can’t wait until this is over so I can go back to social distancing on my own terms.

 – Just bought six pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

> – My car probably thinks I died.

 – It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for 15 years.

 – If your parents are over 60 and want to go out … FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it”, tell them, “You’re not everyone.” IT’S PAYBACK TIME!

 – Hormel Foods made their first batch of SPAM in 1937. With everyone out shopping and hoarding food, they have announced they will be making their second batch later this week.

 – If you believe that the Yankees will be playing in two weeks, raise your right hand. Now slap yourself with it.

 – Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring!

– Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?

Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village ‘.

Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles
The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula– And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City
The term ‘The Big Apple’ was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression ‘apple’ for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City Is to play the big time – The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, everyone is man-made.

Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. Km.

Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.) There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.

S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain
Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.

St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there.

Russia
The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen – so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway