• I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
• When chemists die….They barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.
• How does Moses make his tea ?….. Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But I never met herbivore.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
• PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
• Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
• Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
• Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
• I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
• How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?… A thesaurus.
• When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
• What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
• Broken pencils are pointless.

Three women are playing the 4th hole at Canyon Lakes Golf course when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The 3 women look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood.

The first woman says, “Well he definitely is not my husband.”

The second woman looks at his manhood and says, “He for sure is not my husband.”

The third woman takes a good look and says, “He’s not even a member of this club.”

2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ;

‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’

The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!’

Senior Men’s Bar

Good News/Bad News

A 73-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “Ernie, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Bob replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ernie’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Ernie is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh shit”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Mathematics: Brilliant!! Thought you’d enjoy this!

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly ….. mathematical viewpoint… and it goes like this: What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula… how true it is.

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think we paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, the Vet come and had a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows!

He’s like a machine! I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year. “
The blonde man replied, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

————————————

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

————————————

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

————————————

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 
”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”. 

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

————————————

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. 
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

————————————

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” 

”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. 
”No”, he shouts, “This is her husband!”

————————————

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

————————————

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. 
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. 
”Here boy!” he replies.

————————————

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. 
”Hanging myself,” the blond replies. 
”It should be around your neck” says the guard. 
”I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.

————————————

An Italian tourist asks a blonde 
man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” 
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just  how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another – Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. ‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What’s the matter? ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache … She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

IF YOU DON’T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!