A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’. The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’ The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’ The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’ Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’ Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’ The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’ ‘Yes,’ the class said. ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’ A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching. ‘Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples….’

Just remember if this made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

NICKNAMES:
– If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
– If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

EATING OUT:
– When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
– When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
– A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
– A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS:
– A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
– The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
– Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
– A woman has the last word in any argument.

FUTURE:
– A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

MARRIAGE:
– A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
– A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

DRESSING UP:
– A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
– A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

NATURAL:
– Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
– Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:
– A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
– Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
– A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

So, share this with the women who have a sense of humor and to the men who will enjoy reading.

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Ya just gotta give Willie a lotta credit for this one…

Poor Lance Armstrong,

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

Willie Nelson

You’ve got to love this little girl. What a woman she’ll make.

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom is always saying.”

The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would they be?”

The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

The teacher got a coughing fit and ran out of the room.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . … AMEN

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note…  After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone… “She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… “I can see your feet.  We’re out of bread: be back in five minutes.