Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, for months met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really worried.  Since they only got together at the park feeding pigeons, Sam didn’t even know Bill’s last name, where he lived, or how to get hold of him.

After a month had passed, Sam mournfully assumed Bill had died or moved away.  But one day, when Sam arrived — lo and behold! — there sat Bill, joyfully feeding the pigeons.  Sam, delighted to see his old friend, excitedly blurted out, “For crying out loud Bill, what happened, where have you been?”

Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. ‘Why??”

“Well,” Bill said, “you remember Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty!”

“And you know what — that bastard judge gave me 30 days in jail for perjury!”

For those that think climate change is a new thing, think about this; Puget Sound in Washington state was once covered by a mile-thick ice sheet during the last ice age.

“America does not need to see the tax returns of a billionaire who became a public servant.”

“America needs to see the tax returns of public servants who became millionaires while being public servants!”

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year’s submissions.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.  It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That’s the point of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”

“Well, it was the Irish indeed, who discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”

“Still, it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

“Granted, but it was the Irish who constructed the first timepieces.”

Knowing well, that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who promoted the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”

“True enough, the Irishman conceded, but it was the Irish who got women involved…..!”

He was from da Minnesota… And he needed a loan.

So… He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from ND for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

His name was Ole… .

Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys!

Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba…