Christmas Day Day Brightener – Funny Christmas Quotes About Santa
- ‘I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.’
Shirley Temple
- ‘Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?’
Tom Armstrong - ‘Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?’
Arlo Guthrie - Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous - You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
Robert Paul - Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.
Catherine Tate - ‘Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.’
Victor Borge
Day Brightener- Hypnotist At The Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. “I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch” .
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”.
“SHIT” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center. And, Claude was never invited back again.
Friday Frivolity – Diplomacy At Its Best
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Trump Strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they Change to a magnificent 17th-century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands Of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering Fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is so atrocious that both Passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best to ignore The incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: “Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets…I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”
Trump, always trying to be “Presidential,” responded: “Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
Day Brightener – Ole And Lars On The Job
Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Wisconsin. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, “Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve’re normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees, called in sick.”
Day Brightener – A Message For The Holidays – Both Humorous And With A Message
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it!
Day Brightener – Golf Philosophy
Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. — Grantland Rice- Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. — John Updike
- It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. — Robert Lynd
- If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. — Horace G. Hutchinson
- They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. — Gardner Dickinson
- If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. — Sam Snead
- Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. — William Wordsworth
- If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. — Dean Martin
- If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. — Tommy Bolt
- Man blames fate for all other accidents but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. — Bishop Sheen
- I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. — Arnold Palmer
- My handicap? Woods and irons. — Chris Codiroli
- The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. — Pete Dye
- I’m hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! — Buddy Hackett
- The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. — Billy Graham
- If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. — Jack Lemmon
- It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. — Mark Twain
- Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. — Harry Vardon
- Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. — Jimmy DeMaret
- May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. — Ben Hogan
- If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle. — Anon
- The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. — George Deukmejian
- Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. — Lee Trevino
- Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. — Woody Woodbury
Finally:
- The No.#1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys out of your golf bag before you throw it into the creek.
