One puzzled student asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be.

So, she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

The men’s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine “le computer”) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“ Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.”

And…………………………………..

Did you hear the post office is  thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.

I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They’re even making electric typewriters now.

It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.

 It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

 I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government  takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going on short trips any more for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.

If they think I’ll pay 30 cents  for a haircut, forget it.

Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on! Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids, too

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting. For $5 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word.

The old man continued, “For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20, I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” says the old man.

“Get serious,” she replies. “Four times in the rocking chair!”

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”

–Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”

–Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  , DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”

–A congressional candidate in  Texas  .
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”

–Al Gore, Vice President
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“I love  California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

— Dan Quayl
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

–Lee Iacocca
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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

–Keppel Enderbery
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your brilliant friends.

This is a very cool story.   Can you imagine wanting to make sure you drove by a certain gas station every day?  Just to see what the message was on the chalk board?    It’s true — a gas station has become quite a landmark in Gauteng, South Africa, with its daily #PetrolPumpWisdom, which are uplifting quotes written on a chalkboard. Some people say they deliberately travel this route just to read the quote which brightens their day.

The lady behind this wonderful initiative at Hutton Hyde Park is Alison Billett. She told SAPeople: “We inherited the board from the previous owner, Dick Hutton, when we bought the filling station from him almost 20 years ago.“We continued the tradition and it has become a landmark – more so now that it’s on social media!

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it….I couldn’t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT, AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John D.S. Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0º 31′ N and LONG 179 30′ W. The date was 31 December 1899. “Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line”. Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ship’s position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor. At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:

The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.

The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.

The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.

In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in:

Two different days,

Two different months,

Two different years,

Two different seasons

But in two different centuries – all at the same time!