Number One Idiot:
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.   I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot:
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.  They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon   that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, “Put all your money in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So, he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.  After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.Don’t bother  with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $140.00 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140.00. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $140.00. Wise guy … But you still get a sign.

Number Five Idiot :
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.”; The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him.  At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  8 years old,
 Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
• FREE PUPPIES  
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
• FREE PUPPIES.
 Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
 Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
• COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
 Must sell washer and dryer £100.
• WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.  Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
 Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century – Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

In 1923, Read Who Was:
1.President of the largest steel company?
2.President of the largest gas company?
3.President of the New York stock Exchange?
4.Greatest wheat speculator?
5.President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later do you know what ultimately became of them?

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work. Play golf.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, 
Raised a glass of water and asked; 
’How heavy is this glass of water?’

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, ‘the absolute weight doesn’t matter. 
It depends on how long you try to hold it. 
If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. 
If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. 
If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. 
In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’

He continued, 
’and that’s the way it is with stress management. 
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, 
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy, 
We won’t be able to carry on.

‘As with the glass of water, 
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. 
When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. 
’So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work or whatever is bothering you down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, 
Let them down for a moment if you can. 
’so, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. 
Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.’

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always wear stuff that will make you look good 
if you die in the middle of it..
• Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be 
”Recalled” by their maker.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, 
it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, 
because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. 
Just get up and dance.
• When everything’s coming your way, 
you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. 
The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, 
but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives women a present of $5,000 and watches to 
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because 
she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. 

Men are like that, you know.

And on another 
note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Saving the best for last, here it is!

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.

Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and let them laugh in agreement!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.

Next, they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good.

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!

So, they tried Nuts and Butts – no way.

Freaks and Cheeks – still no good.

Loons and Moons –  forget it…

Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.