No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $59.23 per night

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon. That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, workout room, lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem they fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for? So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you……

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)

I’m only sending this to my “Senior” friends. I love to see you smile.I hope I can a take a cruise for a year or two before checking into a motel.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays’
Red Skelton

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
Sam Kinison

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy : ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH. AND THEN TO THOSE SPECIAL LADIES WITH A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOuR

MARINE CORPS EXERCISE REGIMEN FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
For those of us over 60 – this is a great exercise regimen – for you young’uns out there (under 60), just keep it in mind until you reach that magic 60 number!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.  With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.  Hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.  Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I’m currently at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

An image of a woman kicking her husband.

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
******
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’”

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?”

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
******
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription …

Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
******

For MEN…..and WOMEN with a bit of humor ??

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever.

Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
******
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

Rest get married and wonder what happened!
******
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men?

A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!”
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don’t teach me how to handle my children.

I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT –

what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
******
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake! “

Six great confusions still unresolved

1. At a movie theater, which ‘arm rest’ is yours?
2. In the word scent, is “S”  silent or “C”?
3. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
4. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
6. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn’t the opposite of progress be…congress?

Vagaries of English Language!-

• Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
• Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?H
• ow come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
• If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
• How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
• Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
• Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
• Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
• Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
• How come Noses run and Feet smell?
• Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?W
• hat are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

We can never find the answers, can we? So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language!!

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York’s JFK. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and………OH… MY GOD!”

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled……..”For the luvva Jaysus……you should see the back of mine!”