1. These greens are so fast that all I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ PGA Hall of Famer Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Sports Writer Jim Murray*
4. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Actor Kevin Costner
6. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Tom Weiskopf
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Football QB Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so another guy’s wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn’t arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house before they know the facts.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A day without sunshine is like …  night.

On the other hand………………. you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace & quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll  get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can’t  have everything. Where would you put it?

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We’ve all accepted the tradition of the angel on the top of the Christmas Tree….well, here is the explanation of how that tradition began!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS
So you think you have bad days check Santa’s bad day.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so, began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” he said with a deep sigh …………

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

‘Where have ye been all this time, child?  Why did ye not write,   what ye put yer old Mother through?’

The girl, crying, replied, ‘Well … you see,  Daddy …. I became a prostitute.’

‘Ye what!?  Leave here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to your devout Catholic family..’

‘OK, Daddy … as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this fur coat, the deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for £5 million. And for me little brother, God bless his little hearts, I’ve brought this gold Rolex.  And for ye Daddy, I’ve got ye the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath)  … and an invitation for all of ye to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’

‘What was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ‘A prostitute, Daddy!’

‘Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!  Come here and give ye old Dad a hug!’