I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him
I shouted – “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”
Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing, then said,
“That’s gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
______________________________ __________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?
“No, just here for a few days.”
______________________________ __________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral,a voice from inside screams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
“Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”
_____________________________ __________

After both suffering from depression for a while,  me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought – sod it, I’ll soldier on.
_________________________ __________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
_____________________________ _ __________

“Jesus Loves You.”
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
_____________________________ _ __________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________

Father-Son Outing
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness.  He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn’t.  I drank it.

I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.  He wouldn’t even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replied, “You moron, you’re on my side.”

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins.” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.”  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

An Irish Blonde In A Casino
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked,“What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men….are men.

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs!
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40, they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50, they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking!
”OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price!
“Ok”

At age 70 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

At the forgetful age now and holding  –   let’s do lunch soon!!!!

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word, Murgatroyd?

The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?” He never heard the word jalopy!! …… or a rattle trap?

She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a broken record” and “Hung out to dry.” Back in the olden days, we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! … Gee whillikers!

Jumping Jehoshaphat! … Holy Moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys, and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!

Or, This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind We blink, and they’re gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.

Hey! It’s your nickel. … Don’t forget to pull the chain.k

Knee high to a grasshopper. … Well, Fiddlesticks!

Going like sixty. … I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Don’t take any wooden nickels.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, Alligator!……. After While Crocodile.

Am sending on to others with same memory bank and hope you had the wonderful opportunity to remember all of these as I have with the exception of Home EC class!

As Bob Hope would say, “thanks for the memories.”

Am sending on to others with same memory bank and hope you had the wonderful opportunity to remember all of these as I have with the exception of Home EC class!

As Bob Hope would say, “thanks for the memories.”

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.

The grandpa said in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long…easy, boy.”

The boy had another outburst and she heard the grandpa calmly say;

“It’s okay, William. Just a few more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, William.”

“At the checkout, the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa said again in a controlled voice,

“William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, she went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into his car.

She said: “It’s really none of my business, but I have to compliment you. You were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks, ma’am,” said the grandpa, “but I am William. This little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.” was the shop owner’s reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot’s left foot. Chet began to sing: “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …” The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with: ” Silent Night, Holy Night…”

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?” “No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.” So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: “Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!…” The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came: “Silent Night, Holy night…”

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it,” he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

“Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire….”

Happy Hour Southern style 

Bubba was driving down a back road in South Carolina..
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

“Lordy mercy!” he says to himself,”
“Them’s my three favorites”!